I have to say I’ve never really done that.. What I do is somewhat play a little game with myself imagining what you would say or how you would react to certain things I’d say or do. Just a little self-test to see how ‘well’ I know you. I’ve been accurate a lot, not because you’re predictable.. But because most of the times I know you, and sometimes because you would react just like me. Day 3 and I still miss you like crazy. I love you <3
Part 2
Yeah, like I stated in the previous post.. There’s something about your scent. I honestly never had any bound values to scent nor any special effect it had on me.. But with you it’s different, I don’t know.. It’s somewhat a confidence boost though supporting my words that it’s true love I feel for you. And that’s all that ever matters to me along with your happiness, which I know that besides missing me you very much are right now having a great time in Spain with the girls. <3 You deserved this holiday, I miss you. I love you <3
Part 1
You’re such a cutey, you know that? I have a kind of similar experience whenever I go to bed. For me it’s just a lot of thinking about you, staring at our picture ‘til my eyes get heavy. Simply thinking about you, it’s an amazing sleeping remedy, that’s why I never have a problem falling asleep. Just staying asleep and resting well. That’s beyond my control. Just how your scent seems to soothe me and makes my hearth jump a little bit every time I smell it at unexpected times like when I was at work. The scent I believe is almost out of the sweater now so I will return it when I see you again in less than 2 weeks. <3
I don’t think I ever told you but, subconsciously I seem to always hold on to ‘our’ sweater. I mean it’s always right next to me, however it’s never certain that I wear it in this weather. But even when it’s too hot and it’s right there, I always seem to wake up holding on to it like I hold on to my sheaths, you know how that looks like right? Very tightly, and I don’t remember grabbing it whatsoever. It’s strange, but I can’t say I’m complaining.
I’m glad you’re having a good time, I love you. And miss you.. <3
It’s so dead on tumblr lately, despite that I’m not contributing either, it’s so plain..
Well, I need the gym for actual quite a couple of reasons. You know how I always consider myself weak. I’ve always felt that way, with and without you. I’ve always felt I was weak ‘cause of many many reasons. One of them being to let things get me down, to let myself get sad or depressed over something I would consider stupid or just because. Whenever I feel something I disagree with, I feel weak. ‘Cause I have no control over my emotions or no control over whatever. I lack control, lacking control means lacking discipline, lacking discipline, to me. Is a sign of weakness. When I can’t take care of you, or help you, or when I’m just helplessly standing on the sidelines watching you burn. I feel weak. When I feel too tired, I feel weak. It is a simple matter of as I said earlier: control. If I lack control, over anything at all. I feel weak. The discipline part isn’t always relative. I have known myself to always have complete and utter control over my emotions. Because I hid, and kept them away where no one could see them. And that worked, but now I came to let go of a lot of things, I came to tell you everything. I became a person who opened up to at least that one person. And that is completely fine. In fact, it even helps and has helped me a lot in the past. But sometimes the fact of being dependent on someone. Let that be you or anyone else for that matter. Sometimes rather feels weak. I have not a problem with you, or the fact that I finally opened up to someone. But it’s about the fact that I feel weak nonetheless. There’s a lot of other reasons why I could feel weak but that’s besides the point, I think you get it.
To me, weakness has to be corrected. You know the punishment(s) I would always tell you about? Well, my work out was always involved, whether that was one where I would be very very very hard on myself, or where it was one that simply felt like enough to correct my ‘weakness’. It didn’t matter, as long as I felt right at the end of that work out. And sometimes that was harder than you know. I think you remember the time I punched my stomic for each and every sit up. And I (could) do a lot of them. But I wanted my muscles to hurt, I wanted to harden them. I simply wanted to feel I put enough effort into it for it to be worth it.
My point being. I need them gym for a couple of reasons, it was a foundation that kept me away from self harm. It was a huge outlet of emotion and frustration built up inside of me. I used to punish weakness in an entire different way which I still got the scars from, and which I still am not proud of. No matter how or when, I would punish my weakness my way. And well, ever since I was introduced to the gym it helped me a lot get over self harm, along with your help. Yes, it is however true that even though I attended the gym I’d still hurt myself. That’s when the gym was out of reach and simple push ups weren’t suitable enough and my world back then was slowly crumbling apart. I was too tired and all along, I was weak. And I was weak alone. Fragile, tired, I couldn’t even work out if I wanted to at some points.
Well, this whole ramble about weakness was solely to get to this: Before I knew you I already went to the gym, not as intense and frequently. But I never really cared about my body much, as in, how it looked. But I wanted a compromise. I felt weak so incredibly much in my life back then. For a weak heart and mind. I wanted a strong body. It may sound stupid but I wanted to feel strong. And whenever I put an incredible strain on my body I do feel strong. And the only way I felt I could gain strength was my body. Now, however I do care about how my body looks because I know how close I was and I partially still am to getting something good. But it wasn’t only physical therapy to me, but also mental. It worked, so incredibly good for me. They say the gym is addicting, I think endorphin is released after a work out that causes that. And well, the more I worked out, the better I felt. The weak depressed me felt happy, and oh my what did I feel happy. The more my muscles started developing, the harder I started training, the more people noticed, the harder I started working. And than I was at my prime, 4 days a week, 2 and a half hours a day. That’s about 10 hours of (intensive) work out a week. And my body could take it, I could take it. It merged with my schedule and it just felt incredibly great. I was so motivated, sometimes a little too motivated. As you may remember I sometimes almost fainted how hard I worked. But I was so driven, I got hooked. Than when everything with school went wrong again, I was too tired, way too tired, I’d fall asleep when I came home after dinner every day. I stopped sleeping well and my whole schedule was ruined. Well, as you may now, I started missing my endorfine rush and that’s partially what caused my seeking for other thrills. But my energy was so rock bottom. And I slowly started falling in depression again. Than school fucked up. Thank god I had you, really you saved me. Maybe not my life but at least from becoming a chronically depressed person. But even up to this day I hadn’t worked out in ages. And when I literally wanted to start, that 3 months ago. Getting it all back together and when I had way too much free time. I couldn’t. And up to this day it still hadn’t been fixed, my parents said it would be next week but they keep prolonging it. But yeah, the point is, I couldn’t work out. It made me slightly sad again. Because that was exactly what I needed. But I just couldn’t have it. Than you started working out, which is a great thing. But every time you came back telling me how well you did, I was and still am incredibly jealous. Not the kind of jealous of envying. But more the type of jealous “I wish I could too…” Honestly I can’t satisfy myself with just push ups and sit ups. I can’t. I NEED the gym.
And lately, yet again I’ve been feeling weak and rather down, yet I still can’t work out and I just miss my ‘therapy’. You must have noticed too, I was so much happier when I still worked out. You have no idea how incredibly much it means to me to simply work out. Right now the longer it takes I’m just getting more frustrated about my muscles slowly becoming weaker and weaker, the constant disappointment. It gets to me. Every little thing gets to me. It hits harder than it should. Despite that, I have been watching my food carefully for quite a long while now, what you just started to do recently with your fitblr I had been doing for a couple of months now. Hence the reason why I lose weight, thank god. If weight was added I would’ve been even more pissed. But you know, I’m sorry I’m really passive about it but I’m proud of you doing it this way, I really am. Keep it up sweety. It’s just that I can’t discuss it. I can’t. Whenever I talk to you about food or weight in that sense, my stomic twists and it scares the living shit out of me. Not that your fitblr does, but despite that I almost think you’ve kinda become obsessed with it, but in a healthy way I guess.. I dunno, I find it a very hard topic to discuss sweety, I’m so sorry. That’s also a factor that gets to me, also that I sleep so incredibly bad and work is just, out of place too lately. I hope my paycheck gets me motivated on monday.
I do however wonder what results it will bring once I start working out again, I didn’t watch my food before and since I do and have been for a while now I wonder that once I do start working out again. How fast it will go, or how well. I really hope it’ll be next week.. I really do.
I’m sorry I am this way lately, but like I said. Everything gets to me. Yesterday was a bit over the top I have to say, way over the top. But it was nice, it really was.
It’s not really that it’s that bad. I was just wondering if I ever did, but I’ll write it down as soon as I can. Right now I don’t have time, I have work ‘til 3, I have to go to the doctor’s at 3:10pm and after that do the groceries. And then I think my friend will come, although I’m not sure when he will. So to write a full-detailed post, I guess it’ll be on Saturday.
The facts of why I truly do need the gym.. Did I?
Yeah, that’s all I gotto say for now. Shit, motherfucking, sucks. I’ma drown myself from this world now.
It’s not been much of a happy day at all really, so I can’t blame you. Though I am glad you did what you did. It’s alright, I don’t blame you for crying. Dear, they don’t judge you. Judging would involve a part of intelligence, they simply speak like cavemen. They simply don’t think, that’s the point. Judging can be right, and what people like those are doing is nothing but wrong. They simply yell out a word without even using it with any sort meaning. They say them just because. So don’t ever take such ignorance serious, not even your occasionally fragile self. Do not let such low words spoken by unhuman people get to you. You’re better than that. <3
I love you, I feel far happier than I did yesterday I’m glad we called.. Really am.. Thank you. Sweet dreams <3
OH AND STOP READING HENTAI, WOMAN! l:
To be frank there’s two sides to that whole situation that you mentioned in your tumblr(s). With a story this captivating and gameplay this freaking addicting and amazing it would’ve been hard to even get my mind off the game as I were playing. I mean, really. I completely lost track of time. But, despite that. I had set my mind on playing ‘til 3am, so I had 8 hours of sleep. I quit at like 2:15 to check your tumblr and actually attempt to write something.
I have to admit I miss you too, maybe as much or even more then that. Why? Because there’s no clear thing ahead of me to look forward to (well there is, but not any time soon). So that makes missing you worse, you know? Like, before I could countdown to for example your prom, or to the weekend we had before that. Right now there’s not really anything but watching you go, literally. I mean, you finish your exams and after that you’re on your holiday. And once you get back there’s not a specific thing we had arranged yet. And that’s fine because you deserve every bit of that holiday but it’s not really helping my very necessary ‘super powers’ to ‘not’ miss you. Basically, even in the game dear. I don’t stop thinking about you. Even though it captivates me and drags me away from the world around me. It’s needless to say that you’re not ‘the world around me’. But the world inside me. Thus you play your part. Hence the reason I continued to occasionally send you a text, or reply to facebook. I simply crave for the same things you do, just as you said, from my perspective.
Now for the double side-ness of the story. As a matter of fact I made you promise to disrupt me whenever you thought it was ‘important enough’. That, was part of that category. As I said on the phone, I know you’d rather let me play than actually disrupt my fun. But you’re forgetting what comes after, yes I had fun completely unaware of what was going on on tumblr because I went with your request. But what you left me with is guilt. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t kill me nor depress me in any sort of way). But it does however somewhat make me feel guilty. As much as I did attempt to pay attention to you and even if I did call you however I knew it wouldn’t make you miss me any less, nor make me miss you any less. So in the end I can’t really bitch to you about anything considering that but you get the point right? You promised me dear, whenever you thought it was necessary or coped with feelings like those. I could’ve at least tried to comfort you. Right? Fuck the game, you sleep at around 10-11 mostly. I would’ve played ‘til 3 am. That’s more than enough time. You see, my dear. I’m not the average gamer. You are not just somebody. I set priorities. You are priority number one. No matter what the situation or circumstances. I will make time for my girl especially over a game.
But you got one thing wrong, you ought to be the perfect girlfriend right? The one I’m proud of and brag about to all my friends? I already do that, you’re perfect. You’re like a bestfriend and girlfriend in one like I’ve explained to you countless of times before. But you need to realize, I strive for that same kind of perfection and have a very specific and unique kind of view upon that. And well, what you just did was not something I could feel proud of. Not about you, but about myself. Because really, you (kind of) needed me and I was out there playing Diablo. I feel pathetic than. (No it’s not an extreme scenario like you’d actually desperately need me, but still dear. Don’t hesitate to call me. I told you this so many times.. ) You don’t have to do anything but be yourself to be that amazing girlfriend. I am a guy that is willing to stop the game for a while to help you through anything, to simply comfort you or whisper you some loving words. So don’t think doing things like this will make me see you any more perfect than you already are.. I don’t think there’s something that goes beyond perfect. I simply love you, please don’t sacrifice your own needs for mine. You’ve done that enough with other people, I don’t wanna be part of that. I know that if I’d ask you to leave me alone you wouldn’t mind. But I don’t, because I don’t want you to..
Also, fun fun is definitely not waiting for you to fall asleep. It’s something far superior to that. Butterflies in my stomic once I realize you’re truly asleep, with your soft breathing I dream away in the thoughts of everything you described in your tumblr dear.. You laying there with me oh so close. That indescribable feeling. Where I let the sound of your heartbeat and the rhythm of your breathing slowly put me to sleep. Every night dear, I’m almost 100% sure I fall asleep later than you do. Only to experience that. Only to hold that ‘little girl’ in my arms, protecting her from harms ways. To know she’s safe. Only then I dare to close my eyes and join you in our gorgeous little dream world with so much room for more dreams. Which we still create or simply think of every single day, even when a small detail is added.
Just so you know, despite anything. It was however cute dear, and I must say thank you for taking my needs into consideration. But don’t anticipate them wrong. I don’t just tell you these things, I mean them. So use it whenever you seem fit. I’m here for you. I love you, sweet dreams. <3
