1. Notes: 2 / 5 days ago 

    Extraordinary Love

    It’s in the late hours for me again, I always feel like I’m coming alive during the night. I’ve always had that, it’s never been any different. But the later it gets, the more alive I feel. Of course I get tired, like every other normal human being. But I’m such a guy of the night, it’s incredible. Thinking of you, looking around the room and finding traces you left behind. Small things, often. Your scent, the print of you having laid on my bed. Your tea bags still untouched.. It’s kind of sad, it always is. The first night always makes me feel really lonely when you’re not around anymore. It’s not a negative kind of sad, but an “I miss you” kinda sad. I had a great time too, the start might’ve been a bit rough on the edge, but that was swiftly forgiven.,

    I’ve had my moments where I had thought it’d be better if I stayed home to be frank. But I often think that had more to do with my depression than it had to do with you. On the occasion I just don’t really feel like being around people, I’d prefer to be left alone. And well, going to your parents’ kind of makes that inevitable. In the end I never regret coming though, and I can look back at it smiling. I’ve never really been sure where that came from. But oh well, it’s about afterwards anyway. Like you said, even if it’s rough. We make up, we kiss, we make love and fall asleep like a kid cuddling his/her teddybear. I guess those are the best times.. Where we have completely giving in to each other. Feeling relaxed and happy.. calm especially. There’s something about you and I keep saying it. You soothe me, calm me down in such a unique way I can’t really explain how..But my muscles relax, my head doesn’t feel as busy and I just feel really heavy in your arms.. I could fall asleep in them at any given time..

    Yeah I agreed, I knew beforehand how long it was going to take. I didn’t want to spend my entire night there, I told my parents that as well. But I was okay with eating there (which was truly great, wasn’t it?) and watching that movie with them. Having more of a detailed picture of what went on during their holidays was a really fun thing to see. It really got a bit sad near the end as none of them really wanted to go home.. I’m sorry about the long sit though, I hope you weren’t bored in the end.. Luckily we could go home not long after. I got a bit disappointed myself when I noticed my sister was home as well. It doesn’t happen often my parents aren’t home so.. yeah. I hoped that opened a nice opportunity there. But oh well, better luck next time I guess. 

    I LOVED your game. You’re not really strict though and are fairly forgiving. I guess I’m a bit better at that (ghehe). But it really was fun being rewarded like that. Even though I’m terrible at it, I still had fun when there’s a half naked, horny chick on top of me explaining the topic. Teasing me as I’m trying to concentrate. Really, it was great. Do not worry about that, not even a little bit, it really did turn me on. My game at first was solely to tease you ‘til you started begging. But.. I guess there wasn’t really a game in that.. So adding the cards seemed like a pretty good idea so you’d have the opportunity to ‘win’ as well. I guess I’ll call it tease ‘n please. Sounds like a fitting name, don’t you think? I’m glad you enjoyed it as much. The entire night was a damn sexual spectacle I have to say. So thanks again for that <3 I really liked this ‘game’ thing.

    I like playing with your hair though, I love how it calms you especially. It’s okay to be addicted to it yeah. It’s really not any effort to pull it off and if it really feels as great as you say it does than I guess it’s kinda fun for me as well. Your hair is really soft, and smells amazing. So I can’t complain really.. I’m glad to be of service. <3 But yeah, naked sleeping I do like. It has something really great to just.. lay with you. Really close to you without any barriers in between. Purely our bodies covered in a blanket. I loved it.. I really did. It has something really pure. 

    You’re truly the most amazing girl I had ever found. I have literally no complaint about you in the bedroom. You have a great taste in music (varying.. though.. sometimes you don’t d: ) We love most of the same series, we enjoy watching so many things together. From series to movies to anime. You’re an amazing partner to have.. And so very kind to everyone. You have your little agitations, but there are so many more beautiful things about you that make me forget about them almost instantly. Apart from that, you’re so incredibly gorgeous. You’re exactly my type of lady. You dress really nicely, very lady-like as well. Have amazing curves, a gorgeous face with a smile that makes me melt every time. Your eyes radiate happiness when I kiss you.. that’s something I never can grow tired of.. There’s just something amazing about you, everything all around you. The way you handle me, the way you love me. The way you kiss and hold me. The way you take care of me as I’m sleeping. The way you always try to get the best out of me. The way you motivate me or put out your hand to drag me out of the rock bottom. The way you keep my self-destructive behaviour in check… You truly have been a blessing to my life and made it so much better. You may think you’re not always doing the right thing.. And you’re right, you can’t. But you’re forgetting what’s important here. You try. You always seek and try to find what’s the best for us. And that may not always work out, I know your intention and heart are on the right place.. I am fully aware of that. And that as well brings a smile on my face.

    I’m just really grateful of having you in my life, for having you to make it at least twice as good for me. You made me a different person in many ways. Only positive. I can’t thank you enough sweetheart, I really can’t. For not only loving me, for being such amazing company. You’re never a drag to be around with. You’re lots of fun and never boring.. 

    I love you, my fun, spontaneous, outgoing, beautiful dancer. Never change, please. Only for the better. <3

    Forever yours,


  2. Notes: 1 / 1 week ago 

    Angel’s Vow

    Yeah.. Thinking about it. It’s really strange. We wrote I don’t know how many tumblrs about each other. You many more than I, but than again you use it for multiple reasons than just for me (sometimes for yourself.) And I stopped doing that last bit, occasionally very regrettable. I think of beautiful things to write on the occasion. I had an entire preach about peace in my head, one which still is hidden in a draft somewhere.. But lately I’ve changed a lot considering writing. I felt so engulfed in negativity most of the times that I refused to write it down. Mainly because I wouldn’t feel any better, nor you. I’ve become more direct about the things that bother me. The main reason for that is that in a couple of years from now, I want to read back at this. Thoroughly read it someday with you perhaps. And I want it to be filled with positive writing instead. I want to smile thinking back of the days I had written these things down. It is not that I want to cloak the truth, not even close. It is not like I will forget. But I’d like this, at least, to become happiness. Happiness and memories of you. And not a diary in which I can read back my problems. I’m curious to find out what this ‘pill’ is going to do for me. The first week tested pretty positively honestly and I hope that continues. I think the main cause for my depression might be that I sleep so horrible. It would make sense.. It might not be stuck in my brain forever.. It may not be completely realistic. But it ignited a tiny little piece of hope that this might be what I needed.. That it can go up from here.. I’ve suffered long enough, don’t you think?

    The thing is, this world is filled with temptation. It is filled with curiosity and deceit. It is filled with all kinds of things that drag you away from certain goals and distract you from your true purpose. And even I experience those difficulties sometimes. Mere thoughts I have to say. But it’s there, it’s present in every human being’s life. But the thing is, I am no fool. I grew up in such a way that I grew pretty resistant against these things. If you’ve seen enough suffering, especially at a young age. You learn and adapt very swiftly. Lessons you don’t forget soon. It made me grow up way too fast, which is why my first ‘real’ relationship (which I count with you). Is the one I can and want to stick to. Not only because of these “lessons” but because what you’re worth to me. You broke many of my boundaries along with many of my realistic expectations about the definition and feeling of love. You’ve broken a REALLY tough shell to find that angel inside of me. Because I appear like genuine, nice, honest kinda guy. Which I am. But there’s always a burning anger inside of me. Mad at the world. And it may not come out often, but an angels wrath is a force to be reckoned with. My patience is really strong, so is my discipline.. Which is what normalizes that anger..

    But the strongest bit about my personality is my incredible ability to love. I’ve learned to know myself very well and quickly. You might have too, as you’ve had a period in your life where you weren’t accepted among your age group either. It also teaches you things, Living around pain also shows you the value of the exact opposite. It shows you to have gratitude and respect. It teaches you values you long to have… 

    After these 2 and half years I’ve learned what kind of person you are. At first going into this relationship. I knew you for your lovely looks and your personality on the surface. But slowly and steadily I started discovering the amazing person you held inside. Perhaps bumping into some walls along the way but I never gave up going towards that core of your being. My curious nature eventually found what I now hold above all else.That lovely merp I call my girlfriend.

    You showed me how amazing people can be, just as I lived in a period of my life where I was REALLY angry with the world and people around me. I lost hope in humanity (genuinely) and despised the world I lived in. I was so angry at everything and excluded myself from too many things.. You taught me (along with your family, admittedly) that people are amazing. In their own unique way. They deserve to be judged by their best abilities, and not punished for their worst. It made me open my eyes digging for the positive side (hidden) in each soul. 

    You’ve taught me so many things, and I need someone like that. I need not just a girlfriend, a bed-partner. A mother, a wife.. I need someone who can still teach me things. And not even biological things, or math. Or whatever. No. But life, about people. I am so damned curious about life and people.. If I wouldn’t want to be a designer, I’d be a psychologist for sure. I’ve literally helped so many people. I’ve done so much with my talking and our best friend can confirm that. 

    But alright, I digressed a little bit. I apologise. The reason why I written all that down is because of you. You make me feel so alive, so loved.. You make me so happy. You make me discover so many (new) things about me and I learn from you almost every encounter we have. And despite the temptations and deceit coming my way I am not distracted from what’s important. I know you.. I truly know you. Which is why I genuinely love you, completely. You are all I want and even though curiosity can distract my mind from you. It never fades my sense, it never cloaks my ability to be rational that you’re the woman of my dreams. In looks, in personality.. You’ve been so good to me. More than I’d deserve for the most bit these past few months.. You’re such a special, unique little human being that I just can’t bring the right words to what you mean to me. I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved so far and even more proud of how much time had already passed with us being together. Every day I’m with you feels like a blessing.. And that sounds very cliché. But it does, I may have to go out of my way sometimes. I may have to adapt and change things around a bit. But that’s only normal, we’re not perfectly synchronised. But we work, this us. It works.. 

    I may not have changed an awful lot over time, at least it doesn’t feel like I have. But the older I grow, the more I start thinking about later, and us. I’m not the right person to think of these things a lot. Mainly because I always grow a bit distant when we talk about marriage and kids. Mainly because I am such a lively guy. I want to do so many things with my life before I bind myself to such responsibility. I want to do so many things with you as well. And kids, yes, they’re wonderful. But they’ll be in the way of a lot of things. And I don’t want that. Once I leave the house I want to feel what it’s like to be truly free. Away from all bounds, have responsibilities but not ones where I should go out of my way from..

    So don’t take it personally, don’t take it the wrong way but the fact that I want to share that ‘freedom’ with you is a beyond beautiful thing. Try to look at it that way. A lone rider, always been on his own (before I met you). With amazing plans for the future, wants nothing less but being with you to share the journey with. And we’re going to go far, babe.. I can promise you that.. 

    These weekends are examples of that, they display true character of you and me. They display the character of our relationship. Of our love. We’re two separate people but feels like we share the same soul.. I even catch us being able to finish each others sentences sometimes. It’s kinda crazy, really.. In a positive way.. I’ve never been so insanely in love and hope that it’ll always be like this. No one can look at the future. No one can live in the past. But within the present lays control. Meaning that life is how we make it. With a direction we choose to go. My destination always has been, and always will be. You. 

    I’ve had a lot of fun with you sweetheart, seriously.. It may was short but it was enough. Just relaxing, and walking in the sun. Sounds like a good idea though, the plans we have. If you have a movie we could watch we could something with that as well. Download it, and watch it on my bed with some fruit and maybe some booze. I’m sure we’ll think of something along the week.. 

    Thank you for holding me in my sleep, and for listening to my silly muttering when I’m too tired to actually talk. For killing mosquito’s with me during the middle of the night. And letting me have some time to play diablo. For hugging me, for listening to my silly ‘demands’ and my weird “I’m gonna nom on you” moments. It is noted, remembered and fully appreciated.. The greatest bit is you still make me discover things about myself, you open me up to things I wouldn’t before. You teach me..

    The boy you loved almost three years ago, is growing into a man worthy of the word. I said it before, love is a reflection of what you put into it. So I’m not the only one you should thank for this ‘miracle’ you claim to possess. It is your input as well that made me this wonderful. That made this ‘us’ so wonderful. Never forget our equality in this. 

    Never forget you’ll always be right hand, my soulmate. My lover and deeply respected second half. My soul will always long for you when you’re not around. And most importantly always love you.

    See you in a couple of days..

    Much love,
    (very wow)


  3. Notes: 1 / 2 weeks ago 


    Quite the humor intended title, I believe. But it was. It really was amazing seeing you this weekend. It just felt like everything was all good. Like nothing even happened last weekend or during the week after that. Neither of us held back, neither of us was any less ourselves then normally. We were happy, we were us. The us I know and love so much. And that is something I hold dear most. Not even going out to eat, even though that was beyond awesome.. But it’s just the way we get along, the way we entertain each other. I’m never truly bored when you’re around. And if we are, we’re bored together and find a way to entertain ourselves. 

    I figured you’d have fun dear, I’m pretty sure you would. It’s a passion for you after all, right? You love it and I can’t help but notice how you shine on stage or while dancing at all. Even talking about it. And yeah, even I can get annoyed on the occasion when bellydancing is all you talk about. But that’s alright, you know. Every once in a while. I’m okay with that. I’m just really happy you found something like that to make you happy. A form of exercise, a form of simple happiness. Your beautiful, graceful self doing what she loves never fails to enchant me. Never will. Even though you’re a little competitive, it can come in handy you know? It’s a sort of drive that keeps you going. Motivation that keeps pushing. And that’s useful to say the least. 

    I didn’t expect needing to call you. So I didn’t. I though I’d either find you at the station or wait for you at the cupcake store. I didn’t really think anything else of it except for when I couldn’t find you there or at the station. But it worked out. If not it would be pretty derp tbh. But no need to think of that d; I didn’t mind taking the picture, why not right? Memories are never a bad thing to capture, And well, I was right at first. Than my navigation did something derp and then I was wrong. But then I was right again and we found it pretty swiftly. I mean we were there exactly on time so no hard feelings in the end. Consider it a bit of extra exercise. And I can’t consider that a bad thing. And oh well, I’m used to you whiney behaviour sometimes. As well as you ADD “OMG DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING LOOK A MOTORCYCLE” behaviour. I really hate it, but I’m used to it and I won’t hate YOU for it. And that’s what’s important. I love you for you, all of you. Even those things. I don’t always like them as much as I should but you know. That’s alright. Neither of us is perfect, not at all. I liked the design of the restaurant as well. It was pretty neat. That’s why I said I’d like my house to be designed in a similar way. Would be pretty damn nice. Makes me feel really relaxed and warm for some reason. The food was really great, I wouldn’t really compare it to Izkaya since it was equally good. Both dishes as well as the dessert were awesome. The dessert especially. Perfect combo if you ask me. I didn’t know you liked me holding your hand during those times that much.. I knew you liked it, but not that much. Glad to hear you do, motivates me to continue doing so. ^^

    Yeaahh, munchies would’ve been awesome tbh. Especially because I knew exactly what I wanted to get. I don’t think you should be sorry about it, I had chips in the end. Good enough. But yeah, it was a bummer they made you sick. I don’t mind. I couldn’t get mad at you over that but I was surprised honestly. I thought knowing you with a strong stomic. Highly resistant against toxics probably. Maybe they were a bit too strong for your doing. We will try again with the weak(est) ones sometime. To see if it has the same effect. Don’t worry about my money, I had fun despite anything anyway. And you were there so you know. How could I ever start complaining? I heard my dad is going to get a vaporizer upcoming week. I mean, I know you’re afraid of inhaling things but you know. If you’re willing to try that the clean way. The option is still open of course. But you’ll have to bring it up yourself, I won’t tell you to. Don’t worry <3 The thing is with these things, this could happen. But what also could’ve happened is the awesome part about them. And I wish you could experience that with me sometime. Perhaps through different ways. I could look through the interwebs to see if more people have that problem and see if there’s a way to fix it, or to change a way of consuming them in a way they don’t make you that sick. What you feel is pretty strange and I genuinely wouldn’t know how to put it to words. All I know is that you’re really relaxed, and senses becomes stronger. Everything is just far more intense. And that’s what makes the feeling so amazing I think. Everything feels new and redefined at those moments. And to me there’s literally no afterwards crash. Except for if you stay up way too late. Than I guess you get really lazy the next day…You can’t really distinguish me because well. I’m not becoming a different person. The effects are not that intense and I am fully under control. I don’t change, I simply get more giggly and mushy.. Like a ragdoll. But that’s about it. Most effects are purely physical. Hugging and kissing feels just really really warm in such a nice way..

    Eventually you were just too tired to notice. I just held you close, whispered kind words in your ear like I could at any given moment. Yet again, I’m not becoming a different person. Just under influence of. Just like when I’m drunk or high there is no different person. There’s me in a blanket of derp mostly. But I just wanted you to fall asleep comfortable and nicely since I was going to do play Diablo and read for a bit. So that at least I wouldn’t keep you awake and you could just fall asleep. Basically you stayed up ‘til 3 and that’s quite impressive huh? So I’m proud of you. I’m glad to hear you had fun. Because I was a bit worried at first when you got so sick. I was very happy to have you there with me anyway. I can simply play with your hear or softly stroke any part of your body in a soothing way. I can kiss you, hold you. Watch weird video’s with me. And all this sort of none-sense that I can do when I’m alone as well. I don’t have to adjust my interests or things I’d want to do. You’ll be there, entertained as much as me. And that’s what I love. I never do or say things just because you like to hear them or feel them. No it’s because I enjoy doing it, I enjoy provoking that reaction or simply watching it happen. I love soothing you, I love watching you fall asleep slowly in my arms or wherever. I love having you close to me. So don’t ever worry you ask ‘too much’ of me. No, you don’t. I do them for me too. <3

    The last day indeed passed by like it was nothing. But I guess that’s our own fault we literally slept through the entire afternoon  and even after that we were still a bit drowsy and tired. I guess that happens if you stay up that late and your entire biological clock gets messed up from the summer time thing. But shit happens.. I still had fun.. Relaxing with you is so amazing. I don’t know why but being with you is so soothing. I rest so well with you there. I fall asleep and wake up so peacefully. It’s really weird, I know how I am tired all the time. And nowadays I only notice that when I’m with you.. As if you cradle me to sleep.. It’s really strange. But very lovely at the same time I have to admit. I’m glad you stayed a bit longer this time. I understand why you didn’t but the afternoons and mornings just pass by way too quickly to even remotely fully enjoy our time together. It feels rushed often. And that’s okay, because you have valid points. I’m just really happy you stayed a bit longer this time..

    Know that I felt really great babe, honestly. I was very happy this weekend. Happier I’ve been in a long while. And it might not have been ‘ALL’ thanks to you. But you definitely made up for my week, and even more for my weekend. So I must thank you sweety. Thank you so much for everything you do for me. For every time you tell me you love me, you hold me and kiss me. For every time you tell me not to give up, on anything. For every time you tell me I’m the guy you want, no more no less. Despite our differences, despite my bad qualities. That you love me, completely. Without holding back.. 

    And I love you too… more than words could ever justify.

    Thank you,
    I love you.


  4. Notes: 1 / 3 weeks ago 


    It’s quite the subject right? I apologize now, you know. There was just something about the entire conversation that had so much wrongs. The honesty part was more likely disbelief. It wasn’t that you believed I was the perfect boyfriend. More the things you said seemed to contradict themselves and to me it just didn’t add up. I didn’t mean to offend you but it simply felt like you were holding something back. The entire conversation was simply grim and this passed weekend I’ve been a complete fucking trainwreck. I can’t even begin to describe how chaotic it was and how many substances I used just to get rid of the pain. It really felt like I was single this weekend. For some reason it really did.. I never meant to break you apart you see. I never meant to.. But the way you reacted last Friday ignited me completely. It felt really unexpected, especially due to the fact I felt I was only experiencing my view on it. And you just. Went seemingly apenuts on me.. Me feeling horrible already, simply wanted you to go away and take that negativity somewhere else. I just wanted to fuck myself up really bad.. The road home was beyond terrible. And this silence we had was the longest it had ever been. I refused to communicate through tumblr, and like I said beforehand. You wouldn’t hear from me. It might’ve gone a whole lot different if we approached it both differently. But I supposed you understand, since before you had a similar reaction to my supportive words. Just more in a gentle way, than again I didn’t go rage mode. Whatever the reasons, it’s over now..

    I’m just thankful of your persistence. Even when you try to push me away at first, or misunderstand what I’m trying to say. Maybe often you don’t even understand why or what the fuck I’m saying. Maybe often you really don’t support my reasoning but it makes sense to me, so you relate to it. I only get mad over small things when I feel bad, other than that.. I really don’t ever get mad. But the problem with depression is that it lowers the bar very drastically. It makes you take everything less well, it makes you collapse at any given moment when it just becomes. ‘Too much.’ And Friday was one of these days. 

    Sometimes it just feels so much easier to just give up on everything, and everyone. Not even on life, for some reason no matter how bad it becomes I still have a drive in me that wants to live. I don’t really want to die. It’s just that when it happens, I wouldn’t mind it much. I like to get hurt at those times. Do dangerous things, physical pain is still a sedative sadly. My point being is, it’s not that I become someone else. That would be a split personality. But I become something else, I don’t really function the way I should and would.. I become such a terrible boyfriend, such a horrible person in general and the worst part is. Watching us drift apart because of it. Or cracks showing inside of our hearts. Not necessarily that it completely breaks but the damage was done, you know? Undeserved very often. It’s really scary to watch it happen, honestly..

    I really don’t want to leave you, that never was and never will be my intention but at those times all I can really think of is what it does to us, what it does to you. I don’t care about myself at those times but it’s so fucking dreadful to watch you go down with me like that. I genuinely often feel that being without me would be better. Simply for the person I am. But what I seem to forget at those times are the moments I am not like that. The moments that even when I am like that I am supportive and loving. I am kind and caring. I am sweet and forgiving. I forget all the many times I make you smile and held you close to me at even your worst times. That I mutter something not understandable often speaking that I love you and that I’m happy to sleep with you or that you feel warm and soft. It’s really strange because I often don’t remember muttering. To me it sounds perfectly clear so I often remember what I say. 

    I have to remember that despite the fact I’m flawed, you love me. Not just for my flaws, but for those bits and pieces as well. For the times I cook with you or prepare all sorts of meals. Bring along little surprises or go through 8 and a half hours of bellydancing just for you. Without minding it much except for being exhausted. The way I can surprise you with candles and things you find delicious. And the list goes on.. I may not be perfect, far from. But I do my best. I try really hard to be good to you even at my worse moments. I really do the best I can to make this as comfortable as I can for you. Now I know that never will be perfect but at least I try, right?

    I wanted to write back about the story you had written me the passed week. Like I said, a writers block. I can’t really elaborate on it. It was kind of strange. But you didn’t push me to write anything even though I wanted to. So I can’t complain. I’ll try now..

    It was really difficult to see where it was going at first. I’m still not sure if it was a story from your perspective, you being the flower. Or from my perspective. Me being the flower. It could very likely be both unless I went for the obvious, the main character being a male. But the way I see it, it can be both. Why? Well, you once sought a different flower. You as well had a period in your life where you felt terrible about yourself and about love in general. Leaving you broken hearted. Even though I liked the story there were still many questionable pieces that I found hard to relate to. I’m also not sure if it was meant to be from the moment you and I met. Or that it was simply used to elaborate the situation. Because at points it was really really accurate, but at other points it really didn’t sound like me or you. To make one thing clear, the way the flower is presented seems passive. The entire story she’s just there, she doesn’t do anything but keep the boy company. You have to realize that you’ve never been that passive, and those assertive moments have often made me very happy. I got numerous objects in my cabinet right now carrying lots of beautiful memories and a lot of creativity imbued with love from you. Or the many times you made my breakfast or held me close. The many times you planned things for us. Or went over the top for all different kinds of reasons. I hope you realize it may seem like you can’t and don’t do anything. You do a lot more than I could ever dream of.. And I appreciate that, I appreciate that a lot. It took a while for me to do so, because I was simply not used to being spoiled. I learned to let that bit go piece by piece and so did you.. We adjust very well to each other, and get used very easily to different kinds of situations.

    I simply love you more than I ever could express in words. Perhaps in deeds one day. I dream too, I still dream. Even though most of my canvasses are blurred due to depression and some things feel very uncertain. I still have the hope and belief that it will someday get us there. We will somehow reach those goals. I want to. I really do, it gets really hard for us sometimes like this weekend but we got through it yet again so I don’t think we’re supposed to give up that easily. Which is also something I appreciate a lot about you. Your power of will, not to be confused with your stubbornness. But you eventually know how to convince me that it’s okay to feel miserable, as long as I don’t forget that you love me and want nothing but the best for me. That you wish to help in whatever way possible. It’s really lovely to feel so safe within your presence and words dear. It really feels safe with you there and the darkness can’t reach me then. But I can’t always hide away in your arms or in your bed. I can’t always fall exhausted in your arms and simply sleep and rest.. And that also is in our way on the occasion..

    Know that I want us to continue from here, that I hopefully approach a nice week and that I may see you soon enough again. I love you so incredibly much.. You have no idea.. You’re amazing in beauty and the complex mind dear. I may not love-love everything about it. But I love all of it. I really do. The whole you, no exceptions. 

    You’re a cute, spontaneous, smiling, beautiful dancing woman in my head and in life. I want you to be my wife someday.. I really do.

    Dulcés sueños mi amor, 
    te amo..


  5. Notes: 1 / 1 month ago 


    Which reminds me, we kind of forgot to write each other last time didn’t we? We hadn’t made a tumblr in quite some time, you could say that yes.. But I would not want this to fade, not ever. It is something precious to me still and without a doubt would want it to continue, AT LEAST ‘til we’re finally moved in together. All settled and happy. It would be cool to read this as a journey towards our future, mainly towards us finally always being together like we always speak of. It’s a wonderful thing to look forward to if you ask me.. About the pre-written story.. It’s difficult to explain how I feel about it, on one hand it feels like a way ‘you’ experience it. But on the other hand you feel it is a way I experience it. And I really wouldn’t know what to say to either of that because from my perspective you’re neither entirely right but nor ar you entirely wrong. It would make more sense if it is the way you experience is though, I’m not at the end yet so I’ll keep my final judgement for then, if you don’t mind..

    About your test upcoming Friday, I’m never entirely sure if you are able to do it, I wasn’t at all the times you practiced and studied. I don’t know how much of it you remember and actually know/understand. All I know is that you’re a diligent worker, someone with a good memory and a keen interest on the subject. Which is a great combination of qualities necessary to learn stuff, I believe. Based on that I have faith in you, I believe in you. It doesn’t matter to me whether you make it or not, but it matters to me that you did your utmost best and whatever the outcome. I am proud of you. More than, and thus I got you a little something. I came across it shopping with my mom earlier and made me think of you, its symbolism and the way it works.. You’ll get it once it’s in your hands, it’s pretty and simply made me think of you. Just don’t expect much, you’ll receive it along with your belt upcoming weekend. So don’t be too impatient dear, it’ll come to you soon enough.

    Yeah, it’s not been going very well with me. Not at all, physically and mentally. I manage though, mainly because I’m used to it. Because I’m kind of prepared for it. It’s just really difficult, I don’t like my reflection in the mirror. And not just for the way I look, for the way I have these huge bags under my eyes and look so tired. The often empty expression and exhausted way my face is. Working out just isn’t working for me anymore, it’s not.. After this long of failing, feeling miserable about it I can’t deny I’m done with it. Feeling the way I feel it is literally impossible to achieve something. It is literally impossible to get any gains with the amount of food available to me. It is literally impossible to train hard enough when I can’t rest enough. It doesn’t work for me, these conditions have taken that away from me. It would explain the lack of process, the lack of motivation. The working so incredibly hard to even get a slight bit of progress and still remain empty handed. As if you’re given a test and after handing it, without even looking at it. The teacher fails you. That’s what it feels like to me, all that effort. Gone to waste. I can’t take that anymore.. I really can’t.. And that hurts me still, hurts me so much and I would lie if I said it didn’t contribute to my depression. Because it does. Just thinking about it hurts… Especially being surrounded with people who are successful on that ground. I am proud and happy for them, but it’s yet another slap in my face. To put my nose into the facts that I’m a failure.. And yet again, that hurts. It’s like I’m being taught how bad my luck is despite my efforts. A reminder of how this world is an unfair and cruel place.. But I’ve had enough reminders to know that already.. 

    It was a bummer you had to leave in the afternoon, and the conflicts were a bummer as well especially with me being so sensitive for them. But I could take it.. Like I said.. Sometimes I need you, sometime you need me. And I can be there for you like that, I can hold you close and whipe your tears. I can try to kiss it better. And at least cloak you in my love for a moment to make you feel happy. I can also be angry at you, which often doesn’t last long. (However I can still barely forgive you, but I guess you’re worth more than that. Because you are.) But at the end of the day, I still love you. And I am incredibly happy to fall asleep in your arms. Happy to sleep right next to you. No matter how terrible my night is. I can catch a glimpse of you when I wake, I don’t have to feel cold and lonely. But loved and proud for having such a beauty by my side. One day perhaps every night. 

    It was a great weekend though, I had fun with the archery thing and even the weird bowling was enough for me. It doesn’t take a lot to entertain me. But it depends on the people I’m with, and your parents along with you are more than enough to satisfy those needs. I even had a great talk with them during your absence. Enjoying a port together and even helped your mom cleaning up a bit because it was getting dark. Other than that I played some Diablo III which went pretty well. Got some awesome loot yo. So I entertained myself, though of course. I missed you. And well, your coming home.. I understood you were in a shitty mood but you were lashing out a little bit. That kind of annoyed me. But it’s okay. Because I know you. Shortly after you came crawling up to me and we relaxed a bit. Watched a bit of Skyfall as well. Which is a pretty good movie still. (The bad guy might even make it playing the joker.. I’m curious about seeing that..) 

    I just love you, a lot.. And wish to motivate you for your upcoming very busy weekend. I’m already very proud of you and can’t wait to finally watch you dance (despite your numerous promises, I guess we kind of forgot about it). It’s going to be fun, especially if we have some time off to lunch together or at least to have ‘some’ fun with me meanwhile. But I am curious to see though, I love you so much.. Your test will go fine with a little faith and a good breakfast before you go. Food for the brain, and a lot of rest. And lots of preparing. Don’t forget dear, I’ll be proud of you and I’ll support you no matter what the outcome will be. But I have faith, and I hope a bit that it’ll be just fine. 

    Forever yours,

    P.S. Te amo <3

  6. 1 month ago 

    Well spent Holiday

    Even though it’s not completely over yet, it’s  still been more than half of my holidays I spent with you. No wonder (especially after the past few weeks as well) you’re tearing up now. I’ve been around you so much, as much as I could quite literally. If we look ahead no it’s not going to be like that for a while..I noticed it about you, the entire day had something gloomy I have to say. Not necessarily in a bad manner, but still. It had something, strange I have to admit. It’s okay though, obviously I felt it too as the feeling is also quite contagious. Even without I’d missing you. As you probably understand by now I’ve been sleeping quite horribly the past few days, I have no idea why either. I did my best, didn’t go to bed much later than 12pm and there were days where I woke up as if I hadn’t even slept 3 hours. So that also contributed to that gloomy feeling, of course. But on the other hand it was having to miss you for a while again. It’s not always easy on me, having this condition.. But I can manage, I always have right? Like you said, we have the past 2 and a half years, no reason for us to let it get us down. But it’s true, the longer we’re together the stronger the longing and eagerness comes with it. Something which I didn’t really expect but it happened, and to be honest. I like that it does. That means this means more to me than just a casual relationship. This is indeed a future we’re heading towards. My brains may have already settled this but even the heart follows. And that’s really comforting.. We indeed got spoiled the past few weeks, but something even we deserve on the occasion, I believe.

    These few days hadn’t been much different than the weeks before. Except for a special day for you. Your birthday. I hope you enjoyed it and my little ‘valentines’ gift. As you already had received my birthday present, which I KNOW you’re enjoying to its fullest extent. I really had a fun day though. I don’t really hate birthdays but it always drags on me so much. It’s really difficult. I even almost fell asleep on the couch. Doesn’t matter who’s birthday or when it never fails to happen. So don’t apologize, it was great having seen your family once again. They’re awesome people and mostly very talkative. I also like how your grandfather always tries to get me drink a beer. Your present was great too, like I said on the day itself. Well thought, well played. <3 It was a really great compromise and something well received. So thanks again. <3 

    Yeah I’m pretty sure the place we went out to eat isn’t going to disappoint me any time soon. The food is really great and just the choice alone is very enchanting. As much as the taste and size is of the food. Double worth your money if you consider what we pay for our food down here. Even so, I doubt I could be disappointed going out to eat with you. It’s your presence mostly, it never fails to put me in a good mood when going out to eat. I just love-love seeing you happy and satisfied. I love seeing you smile and laugh about things I can hardly talk about, but still. The smile on your face often makes me happier than any other words ever could. I was really happy to see you enjoy yourself like that and reading your feedback as well. I’m glad we made you feel at least a little bit like it was your birthday. I’m glad we can make you as happy. <3

    Falling asleep together is really amazing, I can’t describe it despite the limited space. There is just something about it that makes it so damn wonderful. Especially noticed when I wake up alone the morning after I had left. It’s really difficult sometimes. Often very cold to not have a warm cute person laying next to me. But that’s okay, it’s just harsh reality hitting your face for a moment before you realize things are back to ‘normal’. All I know is that normal will soon be redefined, in a couple of years normal will be you. Not that I’d ever be able to consider you normal. You’re amazing in so many different ways, such a unique character almost out of this world. But waking up to you, going to sleep with you, eating breakfast and dinner with you. All these things fall into place by then. I’m looking forward to that..

    Your behaviour indeed seemed a bit odd when travelling towards your place. But you know, I guess that’s still the little girl inside you being sad about leaving home. Being surrounded with family etc. I understand now, that’s just who you are. It’s kinda cute sometimes but I’m very sensitive to moodkills so it affects me too you know? Don’t worry about it really but that explains how I get a little ‘off’ as well. Nothing to be done about it. It soon felt like it was forgotten anyway, we had our little fun and we could fall asleep in each others arms again. Which is beyond satisfying each and every time. It makes up for a lot of things. 

    The place you got is pretty nice, I mean if you compare to our best friends place it’s a lot more spacious and has more than enough room for two. If you ask me. At least, I don’t matter it as much. I am happy about not being too far away from you, it gives a cozy feeling you know. It’s really nice and comforting mostly. Sometimes a bit more space might be nice but it’s by far a necessity I believe. The necessity is being with you, your presence makes a huge difference and brightens up a place to me no matter where we are. But it’s exactly like you said, you won’t be living there forever. Who knows what your sister decides to do and your parents along with that. We’ll find out I guess in a matter of time. All I know is that it would be pretty cool, don’t you think? 

    Know that I love you sweetheart. I’m really happy with you despite anything that comes in our path. Even my condition can’t tell me otherwise. It might cause a conflict every now and then but it still never fades away the beautiful presence of you in my heart. Your warm radiating kindness and beautiful appearance makes up for oh so many things. You are the love of my life.. That’s how I see it, that’s how I’ve been experiencing it the past two and a half years. I like the path I’ve been set upon, I like the road I’m taking. I’m not afraid to head towards my destination, slow and steadily if I must. But I’ll get there, we’ll get there.

    Thank you so much for being there for me whenever I need it. For trying to cheer me up, for loving me. For simply being the woman I always longed to have without having to ask you. Just, thank you. I love you so much dear. 

    Thank you. <3
    Forever yours,

  7. Notes: 1 / 2 months ago 


    Yeah, I’m glad you remember me saying that. Because it’s true.. I actually felt so freaking normal these past week that I really feel strange to be alone again. You bring so much positive energy around, unless you are easily taken down by 3rd parties, of course. Than it’s quite the opposite way and I easily take that up and absorb it like a sponge. Sadly.. But as do I with your positive energy. That’s why being around you does me so much good. I keep telling you this and you may never seem to fully understand it but you really do help me in said ways. I know that it’s not always easy for me to just.. Be happy. But like I let you know this past week I am fighting like no other. I’ve woken up from succumbing to it. Making myself feel helpless. So don’t think I’m hiding stuff, or that I am drifting away. But I’m fighting it and I’m trying really hard.. I promise.

    I liked shopping too, in a long while I’ve finally been able to buy some clothes for myself again. Which I could before if I didn’t prioritize other things but still. A pleasant thought to say the least.I really like it too. They look great on me and are very comfortable as well. The perfect combo if you ask me. All the other jeans (mostly) we’re getting too baggy. Which is fine, if I am indeed not wearing a shirt but I am usually in public. So you know, choices had to be made. I also really liked the black sweater. It fits me perfectly as well. Just the entire day felt like a success to me, or well. The entire weekend. It went by really fast though and I can hardly remember even going to school last week. It almost felt like a double weekend. Which it practically was.. 

    Relationships are not bound by perfections. The ‘perfect’ ones often crumble sooner due to the fact that they’re not used to each others dark sides dreading the feeling of not being able to ‘handle’ one another. But we both met each other in quite frankly dark times in our lives where we perhaps were working our way up but in nasty circumstances. It taught us a lot about each others dark sides and found the light back in each others arms. We found happiness within the love we shared and we found even greater things over time. We didn’t fear each others dark sides but we embraced them. And together we’ve already overcome many dreadful things despite our age. I’m sure we’ll overcome this as well, and continue to grow towards our beautiful future. A promise I am beyond willing to keep. As are you, I’m sure.

    If you think I’m special to you, you have to realize how much of a goddess you are in my eyes. Like I explained on the couch, it’d be hard to ever find something we share in another person. Not that was ever my intention, but to use it as an indication of how unique you are. Not only as a lover, but as a best friend. A companion, a soul mate. You hold so much meaning to me that even if I could write it down I’d end up writing a 2nd bible, accidentally inventing a new religion. I might be over exaggerating but that’s what my heart tells me when I think of you. And what my brain agrees on. You hold so much character and I’ve not found a person yet to even get close to equal that. 

    I just had a lot fun spending time with you on your daily life. Your routines. I may have done quite some times before but I thought you’re still pretty deserving to know that even when you have to leave for a couple of hours every now and then you are beyond worth it. I love it, in fact. To prepare you lunch or to make your tea as soon as you come home. I never considered myself a houseman but considering waiting for my ‘girl’ to get home and welcome her with warm embrace and tea I am absolutely fond of it. At your room and at your home. There is of course a difference between the two. More space, more luxury, more unlimited sex. More of everything. But despite that it doesn’t have a negative outcome either way. It’s your presence that truly makes it feel like a home for me. Whether that’s here, or there. Either place, even a hotel could feel like a home to me with you being there.. And that’s also I something I hold very dear to me..

    This weekend felt really good to me as well, I had some trouble sleeping though which I cannot really explain. But despite that, it felt a bit like closure you know, like a weekend of regular where afterwards I don’t getto see you for a little while. Which was somewhat true. It’s just really weird how you lift my spirits like that even though I am still the same, depressed guy, how you make me feel so ‘alive’… How you make me feel so loved and spoiled that at a certain degree, it doesn’t even matter anymore whether or not I deserve it. It comes from a kind heart, a generous gesture that is willingly given. Not forced, or because you pity me. Just because you want to do so. And I occasionally have a hard time accepting that but I’m glad that doesn’t scare you off. I would’ve missed out on a lot by now. So if I haven’t enough already, thank you. So much..

    Yeah, when you unbraided your beautiful long hair it always enchants me somehow. I really love your hair, I love your everything obviously but I just love a woman’s hair. It always smells so amazing, and especially yours has this iconic scent to it. Beyond any shampoo, it just naturally smells great. I love that so much, you have no idea. Along with the way you take care of your skin, how soft it is and it always smells nice no matter how rough we just had sex or how long you didn’t shower. You just have this natural scent of.. you. Which enchants me every time. When I saw your hair like that, literally asking for me to go through it with my hand I couldn’t resist but fall for it. Like it was baiting me to stroke through.. I remembered how you said how much you loved it so at that point it was all that really mattered to me. It felt relaxing to me as well while I was watching Spartacus. So at that given time, it was a win-win. 

    I can’t thank you enough for simply allowing me to be your boyfriend, it may come naturally and very deserving to you. But I don’t always see that way and I often struggle with my mindset, especially about myself. It’s easy to be rational and reasonable towards others but to myself I am the hardest judge. Strict, relentless. Merciless. I often don’t know why I tend to punish myself in these ways, I never really mean to. But it happens, because I feel like it strengthens me, it keeps me sharp. It makes me strive for improvement. But combined with depression this often only knocks me down. I have to let go of that, I know. But you know I don’t have that much control all the time.

    So thank you, my sweet, beautiful girl. You have no idea how much gratitude has grown over the years and even though I often struggle to show it. I really do appreciate it, now more than ever. You being by my side makes me feel stronger every day and I’m sure that with you I can overcome this and many other things. You’ll always be my bright sun shining for me, you’ll always be my moon reflecting the light at me in the dark. Guiding my path. All I need is your gorgeous smile to remind me what happiness feels like. Love is my true savior, savored above all else given by you,

    Thank you

    Mi amor, forever yours. 

  8. Notes: 1 / 2 months ago 

    Soothing Nights

    It’s okay, I understand your bit of frustration with writing. You obviously have a shitload left to write and this, well. It’s still something that consumes time and yet again has to put words on the keyboard. In a different atmosphere and less forced, but still writing. I have to admit I never liked writing. I’ve always hated it eversince I was little. But ever since I met you I found the beauty of it as well. Another way of expressing my deep, and often kind thoughts. Without having to say them out loud, or bother anyone with them. But writing these tumblrs.. Hell we’ve written so freaking many. And it still doesn’t bore me, not a bit. It’s difficult for me to write sometimes because depression makes it extremely hard to express yourself. But occasionally forcing these words out is not a bad thing.. I’m obviously sorry about last week. I explained it to you so I won’t have to do it again.. Know that I try.. It’s REALLY difficult for me but I try…

    Nothing compares to the feeling I get when I’m near you though. And I might not always be a 100% fully there, and yes my mind often is absent. But I can’t really help it, luckily you know it too. Just know that you really shouldn’t blame yourself. Always when I’m with you, I feel better.. The moment you lay in my arms. The moment I can hug you again. Everything just feels lighter. Even if only temporary. I can’t say how long it’ll last or when it’ll be over. I can’t tell you enough how badly I’d want it to go away. But it won’t, not on command. Not without help. Help that is pretty much out of reach for me.

    But there you are, your beautiful self. A golden heart you often have heard me mention. Graceful appearance and the soul of a lioness. You fight it, no matter how fierce this monster becomes you try it anyway. And you might lose, you might get hurt. But you’re there. You try.. I can’t tell you enough how much it breaks my heart to hurt you like that. How afraid I am when I start ‘losing’ myself. But I love you, I am fully aware of that. And I’m willing to work on that.. Please don’t ever start blaming yourself.. It’s really hard for me as someone who used to self-harm to contain that when depression hits hard. It’s like I’m watching someone else pull the strings. An evil being, taking me over. It’s not me.. And it never will be. I fear this though, more than I’d like to admit. Because I stand so powerless, it makes me feel so, incredibly weak…

    I do these little things simply because I don’t want you to forget who you fell in love with. (Which I personally wouldn’t be surprised you need to be reminded of occasionally.) I am very difficult to deal with at those times. But you know that what you can find in me is special. What Í can give you, is special. But sadly, this comes with this ‘price’. Which luckily you think is worth it.. I would’ve lost a dozen girls over these things already. I’m sure of it.. I’m very lucky to have you, you know that? You might not be perfect but hell, look at me. I’m broken glass stuck together by a shitty brand of glue. Losing pieces..

    I’m sorry about what I said about the marriage thing, and kids.. But you have to understand. The more I think of it I don’t want to settle down early and already blow most of my opportunities away for the next at least 20 years. There’s a lot I want to do, a lot I want to accomplish. I’m not saying, and never said I don’t want this to be with you. Or because my intention is to seek someone else. No. Hell no. But I want to travel with you, have tours through Europe with you. Have amazing holidays with you. Do all sorts of things that you can’t necessarily do with kids. You have to be able to accept that if you indeed plan on having a life with me. Because I DO want that, more than anything. But if the rest of my life is going to be with you, I want to be sure. More than a 100%. Because if I’d ever have to divorce I’d rather kill myself. Which means, saying that I do want to marry you is quite a HUGE deal for me. You HAVE to understand and not take it personally. But I am so bloody damn serious about it.. Lots can happen, and if it happens before I am able to take your hand at the altar than so be it. But I don’t want that, you’re the one I’m going for and you’re the one I want to be with. If I can for the rest of my life. But you have to be patient. Please don’t be offended. But realize what this means to me, and that I want that person to be you.

    So know that our canvas will be amazing. Our canvas is gonna be so bright of colors it will blind even the best pair of eyes. It will be beautiful, it will be graceful. We would have experienced lots and lots of things together and aim for the best in our lives. Aim for amazing future goals. I’m pretty sure what I want and where I want to go with my future yes. For you, it’s not so certain. It’s going to depend on quite a few things but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I have amazing confidence in you and your pretty brains. I’m sure that if you really put yourself into it, you’ll be able to do it. Block out all pessimism and all negativity sometimes put in from me. And you’ll be fine. I have faith in you, I always have and I always will. Our life together, will be amazing. I promise you that.

    You’re beautiful in every aspect a human being could be. You’re healthy, you’re intelligent and very smart. You’re social, kind. You might like to fish for compliments and you might like people rubbing your ego. But hey, I can’t deny you deserve it. So boast away my love. I’ll rub your ego like a motherfucker if I have to. If just, at least. I know I am flawed in almost every aspect, but please forgive me. I didn’t quite get off with the right foot, nor was the rest of my life up until now really fair. That’s what I mean btw, with things that could happen. I attract a lot of badluck. It’s kind of like my thing.. Sad but true.

    This weekend I have to say I loved, it felt really rejuvinating and even though it was difficult to say goodbye again it was really refreshing to just be with you again. Sleep in your arms especially, or at least next to you. What I spoke about the other night, being afraid of the depression and all that. It really helped to get that off my chest. I can’t type these things you know, I can’t connect to you through wifi. But I can when you’re up close, when you look into my eyes and tell me you love me. That boundary would be gone. And I can at least try to open up to you.

    I really liked the movie as well, they paid a lot of attention to detail and also the action was damn great. I’ve got nothing to complain. I love the Japanese culture, combine that with fantasy elements and you get a pretty amazing movie. The walk I liked too, sorry for making you spend so much money though, that was anything but intended.. You already knew I was short on cash but hey, perhaps this upcoming Friday I can say I’m loaded. I do kind of deserve this financial upgrade though. Especially if it’s gonna get us to go on a holiday.. And all that beautiful stuff. You have no idea how much I look forward to that already. The waffle with hot cherries was so damn tasty though, like damn. Mouthgasm. If that included icecream I think I would need some clean pants…

    Seriously though, you’re absolutely beautiful dear. I still fall in love with your body. Burn hot from passion when I look at your stunning body. I still melt when you smile and look into my eyes. I still FEEL when you tell me you love me. And feeling is a difficult at times, but you awaken that. You burn up that little candle inside of me to become a blazing flame. You make me happy, comfortable. Safe most of all. You’re my pretty girl, and there’s nothing left I have to seek within a woman. You’ve got it all and more. It’s an honor it could be mine forever, and it will be. I’m calling dibs. <3

    So sweetheart, don’t worry about the future too much. I’ll make it worthwhile. I promise you that. Keep fighting, keep being your passionate self and I’m sure you will achieve a lot more than you ever imagined. I believe in you at least, I’ll support you and I’ll always be that voice in the back of your head screaming that you can do it.

    Never stop believing dearest, never stop being a dreamer.

    I love you,
    Forever yours


  9. 3 months ago 

    New year, new beginning

    You know me, I’m too skeptical to do things like new year resolutions. But I always plan them a bit ahead. In my mind I think of some thing I’d like to achieve this year. Last year it was a six-pack but hey. That still didn’t happen, nor is the opportunity really there anymore. But it opens new doors, I’ll continue training. Working on my flexibility and strength as far as I can. I really want to master this martial art, I want to breathe it. I want to do it so well you won’t believe my progress. Fitness has prepared my body for this, to a certain degree. I have always wanted this. So I’m going for this. 2014 will be about ninjutsu, and my physical health. I hope it’ll also do something for the mind, I hope it will help me find myself. I know how hard it is to have a depression, and thank god I don’t have it constantly. But I really hope it somewhat makes that better as well. 

    I read it, every single thing about the little story I spoke to you about earlier. Every little thing is true and completely relevant. There’s no questioning it now I guess, it really is depression. I hope that this year I won’t have to cope with it as much. That I won’t have to cope with fatigue and these terrible terrible moods. I don’t want to be drained of myself and these holidays there have been some moments where I felt like myself, where I felt so alive. Where I didn’t feel emotionally dead and like I had to fake every expression I have. I’m not sure what’s worse, having known emotions, feelings and happiness and having it ripped off from you like I have. Or to never have known them at all. That’s what’s making it so confusing. The one moment I am completely freaking happy about the things I love, and the other moment I couldn’t care less. I really hope this opened something up for me, that this is that little piece of corn that leads me back towards myself. I deserve it.. I’ve been going on like that for too long..

    Now on to the past few days. Well, they went by quick don’t you think? It wasn’t that long in reality but still along with the busy busy days it was really difficult to have ‘enough’ time. You know, that feeling when you have to leave comes so soon. It’s very saddening sometimes. Especially knowing that I won’t see you in a while, those are the worst. I can live with it mostly but even I get sentimental sometimes. I mean you are the love of my life, after all.. Having you with me especially at night is one of the best feelings ever and occasionally it’s all I really long for. But it’ll take a while before we can do something about that, so all we can do is just accept it right? 

    I was really excited to see you again, it were only 3 days where I could just be lazy and play games with myself and have my best friend and I go crazy with each other. But in the end, seeing you again was the thing I thought about every night falling asleep. You have no idea how often you’re present in my mind, how much I long for your attention. That sometimes I have to hold back not being so greedy or possessive. Now I’m sure you don’t mind but I’d rather not suffocate you and be annoyed every time this feeling occurs in a negative fashion. But that’s simply how much I love you.. I’m not the jealous type, nor the possessive type. AT ALL. But with you, I dunno, there’s just this amazing attraction I feel for you, this amazing warm feeling whenever you’re as close as you can be. That even the most infamous words as “cute” become acceptable to me. And it disarms me sometimes, you know? I don’t expect to feel some feelings, and I don’t expect to feel them at certain moments. It catches me off guard. Not sure what to say.. Just like those eyes, and smile after we kiss. I can’t stop mentioning it. But it melts me every single time. When you sleep in my arms.. It melts me.. You’re amazingly beautiful, sexy, sweet, caring.. Sweety you’re everything I’d ever want in a woman and so much more. 

    Anyways, I got distracted. You arrived and I didn’t really expect those waffles, despite you mentioning them. I really loved them. Like a lot.. Damn I didn’t know I liked waffles that much. Nothing competes against your brownies though, I haven’t found anything yet at least. So thanks, mother in law! It was great to have you there, at first I was a bit worried with my best friend being there, and the rest. I mean, you saw how freaking drunk my dad and his friend became. They like to challenge each other apparently. I was still pretty sober, at least I didn’t feel like I was that far gone. I hope it wasn’t as bad. I was really happy the little lantern flew though and the relaxing before we went down to party was also (very) necessary. Just cherishing moments with you. Don’t get me wrong, I love visitors and I like them here but when you’re here. I don’t even want ‘private’ time just to have sex or to do naughty things. Of course, it eventually comes down to that. But.. Just laying there, talking, breathing the same air as you. I guess you’ll only know how to appreciate that as much as us when you also have a long-distance relationship like that. My New Years couldn’t be more perfect and it may sound petty but I almost pinched away a tear when that lantern flew up. You know its symbolic meanings to us, who we burn them for. And you also know how disappointed I got the last 2 years. So this was like, I dunno how to explain it really. An explosion of happiness.. Just being there too, having the munchies and fun with my family and my friend there. It just felt complete, you know? It didn’t feel like something was missing. Having a couple of drinks, some weed. (Hope it didn’t bother you that much). Being in good company, and just having fun. Before we knew it was almost 00:00 already and 2014 had commenced. It was beautiful out there at our ‘wijland’. Maybe you don’t call it that way but it’s like a little hanging out spot and you could see the fireworks beautifully up there. Also the stars, there’s very limited to no light there so it looks amazing when you look straight up. Finally showed you that spot, at a good time as well. I believe at least..

    Next day went by much faster, also because of the visits. Sadly my parents aren’t as quick about it as yours. Well, they are I guess. But we have 2 sets of parents to attend to. So if you divide that by two.. Sorry about the long sit though, I know we’re both pretty terrible at that. But I loved seeing them again, I loved yet again showing them my beautiful girl. Making them aware of the fact that I’m still serious about our relationship. It gives me a sense of pride you know, it really does. I like it. I like you, a lot. And that you get along with my family as well as I get along with yours is simply a huge relief, if that goes well. What could possibly go wrong? In my head, simply nothing.. Afterwards we got back and well. Arrow.. We’re up to date. I really love that series to be honest, and you’re a lovely partner to watch with. Same as Sword Art Online. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be however some of the things I’d rather skip haha. I’m not all about the badass part of things but you know, some things are just unnecessary. Despite that, after writing this tumblr I’ll continue watching it probably. Just one or two episodes. I hope you had a good time too sweetheart. And it might be completely different from what you’re used to but I think it wasn’t as bad, right? 

    The next day it was.. well, today.. I hated today to be honest. Well, not hated. But you know.. It’s just, tough goodbyes after having seen you for so long after another. It’s just, it’s never fun having to watch the clock tick away to our goodbye again. But I already mentioned that earlier, so you get it. It was okay though, and it was really kind of you to make my breakfast. I barely ever let you do that, but you know. From time to time I shouldn’t be so harsh about that. I hope you know I do appreciate it though, right? Very much.. It was just amazing, to be with you. To hold you.. To kiss you at that 00:00 mark.. Honestly.. Sweetheart thinking back about that kiss makes me a bit emotional, knowing that you were there. I mean, when you look at it very superficially it’s not that much of a special day. Just that the calendar resets. But its symbolic meanings and what it means to people makes it really special. Those are just beautiful moments. Finalizing the cozy, amazing Christmas season with that one kiss.. That’s how it feels for me. 

    I had an amazing time sweetheart, I hope to be able to do this year after year after year.. Continuously.. Anyways, I hope this year will bring you MUCH good on your bellydancing career (if I can call it that) and perhaps school as well. You really deserve both opportunities so promise me you’ll work very hard for both and not let tumblr distract your sexy face. <3 I’ll do the same, I promise. 200% is still on. <3

    Thank you for everything, my beautiful lady. My bright light in the dark, my companion. My soulmate. My everything.. Mi esposa futura. Mi amor.. Te amo mucho, dulcés sueños. <3

    Tuyos siempre,
    te amo.

  10. Notes: 1 / 3 months ago 

    Holiday wonders

    Yeah I hadn’t written in a while either, not so sure why really. I think before we just didn’t really directly talk about certain things, that often came after a tumblr. It was a way of communicating while our relationship grew we realized that direct communication usually works way better for a positive outcome. I can’t say I’m losing grip on our tumblrs, or I’m starting to like ‘em less. Quite the opposite, the lesser frequency (to me) makes them even more special, right? 
    I know the feeling though, I really was excited to see you again. I really was excited to approach these holidays with you again. I used to love christmas a lot, just for loving christmas. But since I met you there’s something even more magical about it. Perhaps it’s because you so perfectly fit it with my family, and me with yours. Perhaps it’s the overwhelming happy feeling I often get from just seeing you. Perhaps every great experience becomes even better when you’re around. I don’t know, I’m not sure. All I know is that the feeling is indeed addicting, it is very hard not to want that each and every day of my life. The lunch was pretty great, except not really what I had expected. Not disappointing though, but still. Picking up the last-minute gifts with you for your parents and indeed, the doing nothing and watching Arrow. There’s just something amazingly entertaining about being around you despite what we do. I wasn’t really teasing you in the gym, I was trying to motivate you.. In a way, at least. The only teasing thing I believe I said was “at least when I’m working out with guys. they don’t complain.” I’m sorry about that. <3

    Yeah Christmas eve was great, the food was. The mood, the people. At least I thought it was all pretty great, I was struck by depression quite a few times those days but nothing I couldn’t at least conceal and forget about a little bit. I really wouldn’t let it ruin my christmas days, and so I didn’t.. Instead I just had a lot of fun and appreciation for all the gifts I got and simply the cozy, happy christmas-feeling. The first day of christmas too, I hadn’t seen your family in a while and I don’t know why but I honestly was happy to see them again. They still are, for the most part lovely people. (Some exceptions, perhaps). But that didn’t matter, I was pleasantly surprised by your spontaneous offer to play cards with us. I mean, I know how you are with games especially if you don’t win. But you really didn’t even complain a single second, nor lost your smile. Despite your sister being a bitch at the beginning. So yeah, it was a very nice thing to see if you ask me. 
    The traveling wasn’t bad at all no, (if we forget that you ditched me for a moment :3). It went without hassle and we made everything on time. Just the walk back wasn’t that great in my eyes but hey, that’s because they closed the tunnels. I knew Arrow would be perfect to watch in the train, the amount of time the episodes almost equaled the time we had in between our stops. It made the travelling just go that much faster and before we even knew it we were home.. I know you made preparations. But hey, I know you. I’d rather have you frisky and alive than tired and almost incapable of moving. Like I said, don’t force yourself for me. Myself too would rather have sex with you in the best than the worst condition. So yeah, it’s okay. I’m sexually addicted to you anyway so you know, anytime you feel like it. Hit me up :3 Falling asleep with you, there’s no better ending to my day than when that happens, nothing tops that, ever.

    Yeah the christmas buffet was great, it had all the amazing little things in it I love to have for breakfast. But my mother knows that, I’m pretty sure she does. We don’t often get spoiled like this, with croissants or nice bread in the morning. In fact, we barely ever do except on christmas and easter. That’s what makes me love it a bit extra. Because during those days we all deserve a little extra I believe. The day went by pretty quickly though. We woke up, ate, did some lazy stuff. Enjoyed some time with my grandparents and relaxed upstairs some more. More Arrow, more laying in your arms. Then the incredibly cozy, but hot dinner. It’s been a while since I did some gourmet and I usually only do on christmas. So that’s also something I look forward to as always. And it wasn’t disappointing. My grandparents were so happy to be there, they never get invited anymore and are quite lonely during the holidays. They got pretty emotional when we started taking pictures. It’s rarely a thing I allow anyone to do. You know me and pictures, but I’m slowly letting that go. All in all it was great.. That night you were really tired, yes.. I noticed it looking at the way you moved and talked. And simply everything. I don’t regret letting you sleep. I think you really needed it to be honest. And who am I to tell you what you can and cannot do? So I just gamed a bit. I overestimated the game btw, it wasn’t as fun as I hoped it would be. But hey, better sooner than later to find that out tbh.  

    I think the biggest roll Friday played for us was the fact that we were released from obligations and had some more alone time this time around. We were more free in what to eat, what to watch. What to do in general. No holiday-stress or whatever. Just you, me and lots of time on our hand. Which I cannot complain a single second about. Because I’m always pretty sure, despite how lazy we are at those days. I couldn’t have spent that time any better. Perhaps running, I would’ve loved to go do that but with my back aching like that ,I wouldn’t even had a chance. Like you said, being this pre-state of a family. It’s a lovely feeling, no? I mean I already said that when we are actually permanently together we both are going to long for more me-time. But that’s nothing we can’t do already, right? If I’d like to play a game I can just do so. I often choose not to because, well. I love your company way too much but even when you’re at my place dear don’t be afraid to mention it if you need some me-time. To read, or if you want even use my laptop to go on tumblr and do whatever you like on there. I surely don’t mind to give you some space, as you wouldn’t mind giving me some. So keep that in mind. I just loved your company dear, and I really can’t deny that I’m indeed a bit impatient myself. Nothing I can’t handle as I contain a lot of control considering patience. But still, it would be lovely to just shout. “YEAH LETS MOVE IN TOGETHER LETS MARRY LETS HAVE KIDS!”. But we both know better, but I guess there’s just something really powerful inside of me longing for that slow but steady race towards those landmarks in life. I can’t deny that I’d want to, already. That I’d love to. But I also know when, and how I’d like for it to happen. And especially in which conditions. It’s weird being without you after a little while you know, it just feels like I’m missing something. A part of myself. Quite literally. I have no one to turn to when I awake and no one to smile and whisper good morning to in my most horrible morning voice. No one I could just hold a little tighter when I wake up in the middle of the night, or cling to when I feel bad or scared. Nothing to kiss when I want to express my love. It’s gone, and I know that. Like you said we’re hardened in these situations but that doesn’t mean we have to agree to it. It’s nothing we can change (atm), but at least something we manage.

    There’s always something beautiful when I look at you enjoying things. There is. I could stare at you for ages with your happy and content expression on your face when you close your eyes in my arms. There’s something intriguing about your interest in something else other than me. There’s something so appealing about how beautifully you smile when we just kissed. With your eyes big and literally radiating happiness. There’s enough proof indeed, more than enough. You love me an awful lot and I have to say I love you too. With an incredibly huge amount I never foretold possible. I really never did. The most amazing thing about you is that letter for example. I mean, you know how hard it is to cope with my depressed state. I know you realize how futile it often is. But you still try, so hard. You think of ways and new things to do. If only helped a tiny bit it would make it worthwhile. That’s what touched me, that’s what reached me so deep at that moment. Maybe it’s also because I held back the depression for a while, suppressed it that it was some sort of relief from that weight.. Because like I said, it’s so incredibly hard sometimes but I’m so happy I have someone like you to help me cope with it just a bit more.. So yet again, I appreciate it dear. Thanks a lot. <3

    We’re growing by a lot, I mean not just us personally. But our relationship you know. The difficulties of before don’t seem to matter anymore and we start to get so accustomed to each other. We often can almost predict what are about to say. Or we could just talk about how we would act or what to say in certain situations and almost always be right. We are just, amazing together you know. We are both so understanding, compassionate and willing to adjust. We are stubborn at times but in the end we always cut each other slack, we always seek more progression and that’s also what keeps my faith so high. I know that if we truly want to we can achieve the goals we set, we know how to take care of each other. When we need to.. I don’t really think I need anything else in my life than that..

    Understanding doesn’t necessarily mean experience, no. But it’s the best teacher. However we are so closely connected that it doesn’t really matter anyway. We know how we feel by just looking each other in the eyes. By listening to the way we speak and look at each other. By the way we embrace, kiss.. We leave traces just for us to pick up. We find them, we act on them. That’s why I know you understand. I know you do, even though sometimes that feels impossible to. I hope your eating disorder never comes back to the surface again, I really hope it doesn’t. But if it does I’m prepared to do what it takes in order to get you back on track again. As you do for me.. We’re prepared to go through fire for each other. If only we needed to. 
    We need each other, to a certain degree we really do. Whenever we have any kind of issue nowadays we just need each other’s comforting words, or motivation. A kind gesture or some short, simple words. It’s never been any different. We rely on each other, because we are so closely connected. We are one heart, one soul.. We’ve found everything in each others eyes when everything back then was but a mystery to us. An unending book I don’t mind spending the rest of my life unraveling. As long as that future beholds you. I think I can be pretty happy no matter what the situation.

    So thank you sweetheart, for making me feel alive when I feel ready to be buried. For making me smile when I’m holding back my tears. For making me comfortable, at ease, when I’m restless. For simply being there for me through my brightest, and darkest days. You’re everything to me. 

    Your beauty and golden heart genuinely make my life that much better.. I love you sweetheart, see you in a couple of days. <3

My name's Michael, a 18 years old guy living in the Netherlands. Not your average type of guy. Things I like are music, art, writing, photoshopping, drawing, playing guitar and the sky. My choice of music mainly leans towards the heavier rock and a bit of DnB. There's not much to explain about my personality, fill in the blanks I'd say. (: