1. Notes: 1 / 3 weeks ago 

    A fine recuperation

    The holiday indeed has gone by rather rapidly, with a lot of drama before it even started I do have to say that when it all ended I finally could start recuperating. And boy, I did.. We did.. Perhaps necessary, I guess I say that every weekend and holiday that it’s necessary and I needed it. But frankly, I do. I really couldn’t do without the weekends nor the holidays. And not just the lonely ones. No, I mean the ones spent with you most of all.. I’ll get deeper into that later. It is pretty logical that our conversations start to escalate in that sense. Mostly because well, I keep telling you why. Matter of fact I mostly predict that it’s going to. We have no personal contact whatsoever. I am a wreck when it comes down to social interactivity on a dull screen showing no emotion nor love. No warmth or compassion. Just words that can be taken out of proportion or simply in a way, distorted. It is crazy how we even attempt to ‘fight’ over the phone, really. But with this distance between us I hate to say but it’s all we’ve got sometimes.. I suck at it, I really do. Mobile phones have pretty much wrecked our generation and I have no idea how many relationships it has ruined already. I guess I’m oldschool in that sense but at the same time admitting that I wouldn’t want to do without it anymore. I just wish these social media and whatsapp would be gone so that it goes back to more practical use instead of the downfall of social life. Enough rambling about that though.. We’re mad at each other sometimes. That is something inevitable and it’s going to happen an awful lot more times. It is going to happen when we move in together, when we marry, when we have kids. It is what keeps the individual in us. So that we will never cease being ourselves. We think differently, we deal with things differently. But that’s uniqueness in our personalities is what brought us together. It is what keeps me with you, it is what I love about you.. Else I’d simply get bored. And not once, admittedly, have you bored me..

    We’ve been busy a lot, I guess. Which is why I commented on forgetting to write. Indeed after Thermen and after I was there 2 weeks ago we didn’t exactly write as we usually would. And that’s fine, I guess. I stop to think about it honestly because I just never seem to stop doing things. It is like I said, we’re growing older. Just like at a certain point in time people stop writing a diary. We didn’t exactly stop yet, and there is a big certainty in my heart that I probably never will completely stop it. But I will eventually cease writing after every time we meet. Eventually I will leave everything behind here for you, and for myself of course to move in with you. To start ‘our’ life where all that matters is us. Perhaps I’ll write one every anniversary or during some bigger parts of our life together. But we’ll see by then.. I love to write you, I do. It’s been hard for me to write or to find inspiration because well, you know why. But I try, I really do. And I’ve never once regretted making at least some attempt to write you. Know that.

    It’s always been like that with you, you’re somehow just really intriguing and entertaining. Even if it’s just to trace the lines of your body, to kiss you until you start laughing. To threaten you with tickle-deaths or to tease you a bit. To mess with you for fun. To watch anime, movies, series. Making it a lazy day of doing nothing and relaxing in our PJ’s. Falling asleep in each others arms again and again. It is enchanting, rejuvenating.. Making goodbyes all the more difficult. But there will be a moment and time where this will be a daily routine. After a busy day of work or school we’ll be able to rest in each others arms and love each other like we do now. It’ll only be better then, I’m sure of that.. My head is already filled with ideas of how I could surprise you… 

    Honestly, I was hoping that too. 9/10 times my sister sleeps over at her boyfriends place from friday to saturday. Of course, right now that not being the case. But meh, the sex was pretty freaking great.. If I can say so myself. Really great, and we still were able to spice it up just a little bit. It should suffice for now.. The meal was great too, I like that risotto. Despite you never letting me do anything serious. You just.. Give me shitty chores and I’ll clean up while you’re doing the actual cooking. But hey, we can’t really both cook unless we’re making something really extensive anyway so I don’t really mind in the end. The result was yet again fucking delicious so it’s a win. Apart from that, our little city trip was pretty cool too. I’d like to that with you more often. Just sit down for a drink, relax a bit. “Watch people” as you like to do. Just walking around. Though I really wanna visit that section of Rotterdam with you sometimes during daylight. I’m sure you don’t mind. I wasn’t scared at night really. A part of depression is just the lack of trust and certain people seem to radiate bad news. I simply do not like Rotterdam late at night for the things I’ve heard, known and seen. I am wary. cautious. Not scared. That’s the reason why I’ve always been able to avoid fights and whatnots. Despite being alone at night between 1 and 4 am out on the streets. Plus, it’s also because I am with you. I am really protective over you in that sense. So maybe that’s why you got that feeling?

    I’m not the person to judge you. Like we spoke of in the kitchen, you’ve been raised in such a way that everything seems to be directed towards achieving things. It wasn’t about what you wanted to achieve but what was expected of you. That way I guess you can come over really self centered in that sense because you tend to ‘show off’ any form of achievement you’ve made. You’re a very proud person. And if someone belittles your achievement you’d pull up a big mouth. You’re never bragging to me though, not really. I think that is because you don’t need my recognition. But to some friends and family of yours you really like to show off to get that form of ‘recognition’. Maybe I’m completely wrong but that’s what I’ve seen from sole observation in our 3 years together. And I don’t mind it. I know who you really are, you’re not that ballsy puffed up chest girl. You’re not. You’re actually very humble and genuinely nice. You care, you want to make a difference. You want to change things. And you do when you can.. That’s beautiful. I’m far more pessimistic and passive in that sense. I learn from that too. So don’t think you’re being a ‘shitty person’. That’s not at all what I’m trying to tell you when I step up to such behaviour. It is simply because I don’t always understand it, and thus I try to bring it to the surface. I don’t want to kick you down or make you feel bad. I want to understand you. And that’s where I learn, that’s where you learn. I don’t want to be right, I want to create a common understanding that’s right for us. Get it? Like I said, I’m not a judge.. But I am a person who wants to learn about every corner of your soul and find a way to love it. 

    One of the major rules of life is, no matter who you are, what you’re able to do. There’s ALWAYS someone that’s better, stronger, or wiser than you. Now that should not demoralise you. Ever. But keeping that in mind is going to make losing less harsh on you. And you instead take that moment in to learn and to at least become better than that someone else. To fall and rise again, that’s how champions are born. Nobody is so talented and can just ‘do’ something. It’s going to require a lot of work and effort to become good at something. That’s the point, it’s all just a learning process. And from the first day I’ve been through hardship til now I’ve always tried to consider it like that. My soul doesn’t necessary shine brightly, it’s filled with knowledge, with wisdom. I may not be the most intelligent person of all. But I know very well how to talk to people. I really want to get into Buddhism some day. Its philosophy is beyond beautiful.. And I’m sure it’ll help me a lot with finding peace and understanding for many things I have no answers for yet.. Life’s not always been easy for me, or my family. But we always learned to make the best of it, growing up has taught me that. No matter what you have, there’s always a way to make the best of it. To be satisfied with little, and to look up to the big. To set goals, to work hard. Even though everything I just said might conflict with my depression.. It is still my belief, it is how I live my life. Which is why depression damages not only a part of me but it damages that philosophy.. 

    I just hope that it’s going to be a philosophy that’ll develop itself through going old with you. That it’ll become a big part of me stronger than depression ever was and that I’ll be the happiest husband, father and man I could ever be. It is all a learning process for now.. And I’m learning. I promise you that.

    I hope you know how much I appreciate your input in my life thus far. It’s helped me discover so many new things about life. About other people, about love and about myself. You’ve opened up a big part of me I never thought to discover. But I did, and with that I found a new being. I found you. I didn’t choose for the yin-yang back then over nothing. I thought about it for so long and the balance it represents fits perfectly with our relationship. Even 2 years later, it still fits. You’ve helped me, supported me, dragged me out of the dirt so many times now that I couldn’t stop to say thank you. I almost do it in every single tumblr.. I am so grateful, but there are no words powerful enough to tell you how much. The same counts for how much I love you. I just can’t.. Even if I were to study an entire dictionary. No words in existence would accurately describe how strongly I feel for you and how much I long to be with you.

    How grateful I am to have you in my life, how lucky…
    That’s something that I’ll never forget.. I love you so much..

    Forever yours,


  2. Notes: 1 / 1 month ago 

    Hermosos Sueños Español

    I don’t want you to forget about your dreams, obviously. I would love to go on a holiday again next year. I mean I really do, and yes it might delay your motorcycle a little bit. But if you think it was this much worth it than I don’t see why not. Right? I mean it pretty much summarized it for me. It truly was the best holiday I ever had. And I know I haven’t had many, nor much… But this was amazing, and my first lone holiday. Absent of parents and other annoyances (sisters). It felt simply amazing, the freedom and just being away from it all you know? No stress, apart from the stress you brought upon yourself. No worries. Nothing. Just us having an amazing time and just taking our distance recuperating from our busy lives. That’s what this what all about to begin with..

    Yeah.. It’s ironic how it feels like we did so freaking much but when you really bluntly summarized it.. Not really.. I can talk about it a lot though, things we’ve experienced and seen. The annoying vendors. Our hotel, the people we came across. All that kind of things.. Yes, your stressful behaviour is a great annoyance to me. Not because you are annoying but I work in an exact opposite way. I am confident about being on time and other things. And even if I’m not on time, well. Big deal, there’s always a next time I think to myself. This time obviously we didn’t want to miss the bus but you know, you really took it to the next level. Making the approach towards the bus really uncomfortable and unpleasant. But luckily that all washed away the moment we stepped inside of the bus. (Both going to and from) Then our holiday really started. It’s rude to say that I should best get used to it. I know that’s how you are, and I AM used to it. But that doesn’t mean I’ll blindly accept it and not get annoyed by it. I have every right to do so. You better get used to that. Action = reaction. That is going to be a conflicting thing between us and that’s something we need to get used to, like it or not. I understand, but I work in a completely opposing way and that’s going to collide. 

    We’ll see what our next destination will be. I’d really love to see Italy or Greece for the next one. But I’m okay with anything that fits our budget and that’s affordable in a way that it doesn’t dent your motorcycle dream too much. Also that both fulfills our wishes and expectations. Could be anything by then, we’ve got loads of time to think about it. 

    I don’t personally believe a day was boring. Perhaps not much to talk about yes, but every day had its charm. Whether that was an amazing sexual roundabout or a beach visit. A romantic moment or a climb up the mountain. It didn’t matter much to me, as long as I enjoyed myself whilst being there and at least did some of exploring. And I did, we did.. So I can’t complain about it a lot.. I’m terrible at remembering where we did what and when we did what exactly. So I’ll try to stick to your order..

    Barcelona was alright, it was completely shit at first and OVERLY touristic. It is very filthy, but it fits the old-school look with it. I hate how every single shop at Las Ramblas was pretty much EXACTLY the same selling the same shit or food. Until we actually got to the regular shops in the side alleys, that was pretty good. And the marketplace full of fruit and fish and other weird shit I can’t even recall the name of. Along with the little square with all the restaurants. That was nice, especially after visiting the Cathedral it didn’t feel like I didn’t completely waste my time there. So I was content in the end, I really can’t complain and I got myself and you some pretty great stuff I think at least. And well, the hypocriticism is a dominant culture in the south so I guess I can’t blame you for that. Do whatever you want but if you ever tell me you’re not a hypocrite again I will gently smack you on the butt. Because you ruined that for yourself. It’s a nice gesture though, if you’re religious. No offense, but a hello to god? I think doing things like that is more to anger a god than to respect one. But that’s how I believe it to be so, your habits are your habits and I won’t judge you for them. I just have an opinion about it. Though I’ll never be a superstitious man.. Once we went back it was nice though, it felt good finally to go back to the hotel for a meal again. The food was so good, really good at that point after having walked for so long and so far.. I was tired too, yes.. But I can take it much better than most and I know you to be a bit of a whiner when it comes down to it so don’t worry about it. That is something I have accepted loooong ago. <3

    I loved the mountain as well. I can’t say it enough. I am an adventurous guy, which was why I loved Chamonix so much as well. So yeah, it was pretty straight forward to me to want to get up that mountain. I really loved the climb, the steeper the better. I would’ve ran up the mountain if it was up to me. It simply makes me feel so alive, so happy. Like I actually achieved something. It’s strange but maybe it’s because we don’t have those kinda things around here really, especially not in the city. I enjoyed the walk too, really. A lot. It didn’t matter too much to me whether it was tiring or not. It was an adventure to me, that’s how I looked at it. Just talking with you, being astonished by the views.. That’s my kinda experience. The chickens were looking really derp sitting there, but it was kinda funny. The glowworm too had its charm… Despite looking like a demonic spawn from hell, in the dark he simply looks like a little twinkling light. A star on the ground, I really liked that for some reason. I hoped to have seen an alive snake and a bigger, or more reptiles. Simply for the heck of it. But it’s okay because the entire experience was really lovely to me. 

    Yeah.. the sunrise was kinda a derp thing. But it didn’t matter much since there were clouds and everything anyway. So even if we were on time there would be not much more than we’d already seen. Sadly, it would’ve really been amazing to have seen the entire thing with no cloud on the sky. But this sufficed, for now. There’ll be plenty more places where we’re going to see this hopefully. At least, I plan on that.. 

    You know me and lightning, if I could choose a way to die it would be in the most chaotic dangerous lightningstorm ever. I find them so appealing, so beautiful. So incredibly intense.. Thrilling yet so fucking exciting. It also just looks so damn beautiful. I want to feel it make the ground shake, smell the fresh rain washing away, hearing it thunder in my ears..  I’ve never known why I am feeling so attracted to danger. But it just makes impact on me, you know? It makes you feel strongly.. I lacked that a lot of the course of this year. Especially with this clear of a vision to it. It was truly amazing.. 

    Overall, there weren’t many highlights admittedly. But that doesn’t mean they’re not mention worthy, that doesn’t mean they didn’t leave a mark. It was absolutely beautiful to just be lazy with you. To fall asleep with you, do our groceries. They may seemed like the lesser, little things.. But they made the holiday complete. They gave us the necessary rest and the energy for the trips to Barcelona and up on the mountain. They make me love you more and more.. They make us feel so mature, you know? I just really love being with you like that.. It makes me so happy to watch us grow so much.. Almost like we’ve been together for more than 3 years.. I can see myself spent a lifetime with you. I truly don’t see why not. Yes you annoy me, but I’m sure I annoy you too. Hell, everyone annoys me to a certain point. I just hope that this progress we’re having will grow only to bigger and better things.. That we’ll have many more holidays to come and even more love than I’ve received from you so far. Which hardly believe is possible but you never cease to amaze me sweetheart.. You really don’t. How beautiful you look while tanning, or how strong you look walking on the mountain with me. How gracious you wake up in the morning. How passionately you can be in bed. How loving and caring you can be when I don’t feel well. How sweet you are.. I could go on and on but each you have heard at least a thousand times before. I will probably never be able to stop doing so but.. Know that I love you..

    None of these days felt insignificant or boring, none felt dull or forced.. Even the Plants vs. Zombies days were so damn worth it and I’d do it all over again if only I could. Sweetheart, thank you so much. For simply giving me such an amazing holiday. I might’ve contributed myself but if you didn’t step in.. I would’ve already cancelled it. I’m glad I didn’t, I’m glad we didn’t. I’m not just talking financially. For being your lovely spontaneous, hyperactive cute self… I wouldn’t settle for any less.. Please know that.

    I love you so much, 
    My everything, my soulmate, my love..
    Thank you.


  3. Notes: 1 / 2 months ago 

    Delightful July

    It have been a hectic and chaotic few weeks I have to admit. With little to none time really of my own. To do whatever, which for that reason also went by incredibly quick. Though I have no reason to complain at all.. You spoiled me these past few weeks, not just financially. But with random surprise parties and lots and lots of delicious food. I can’t deny your cooking, ever. Let alone your baking, something clearly irresistible.. However I really need to watch my weight, I’m becoming more fat than I’d like and if even you somewhat agree that I need to lose weight before it’s too late I guess I should watch it. So after our holiday there will be a strict diet. No more of anything unhealthy. Nothing. I have to do this in order to keep myself disciplined. I am a bit harsh on myself on the occasion, agreed. But if I’m not.. I don’t know where to fully draw the line. And I need to draw myself a line so that nothing goes wrong. 

    But who cares about all that stuff right now anyway, I’ve had a fabulous july so far. And the best yet to come, our holiday. You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to it. I kind of forgot to write a tumblr though. After my birthday and stuff.. But yet, it literally only took a few days until I saw you again so it didn’t matter as much. But I’m writing now, even though I’ll see you again in about 4 days. I’d still like to write it since I want one tumblr dedicated to our holiday. That’s how I pictured it at least.. So here goes..

    Admittedly I had lots of trouble having fun at Janneke’s birthday. Not particularly because of the way things went or the party itself. But I was feeling plain horrible, then the comment that was made about my belly. Well, it didn’t do much good. Especially not because it seemed to be kept from me at first. And I hate that, but I guess those are southern habits that I can’t really relate to. All in all it was a good night, and the movie as well was pretty damn funny I have to say. Had a cool kind of story in it too. The food was okay as well, yes you might feel too good for the packaged shit and are used to much more luxury. But she did her best and it tasted pretty good as well. Admittedly, the food of your parent’s friends tasted much better but that doesn’t mean hers was necessarily bad. And I talked to our best friend again and to her (ex)-boyfriend. I had to say that I liked seeing him again, it’s a cool guy. I will definitely see him after I get my OV back with our best friend. All in all I’m going to enjoy this holiday a lot. Just full of relaxing and doing nothing as it has been with you so far.. The match was great too, and my the food, especially the carrot salad was real worthy of a compliment. 

    Nah, I’m not that much of a difficult person most of the times. Not at all, I can adapt pretty well and I’d do a lot if it happened to help you. This was the case when we went home on Sunday. And well, yeah, I don’t know on the way back it was just a bit of mutual irritations that caused it to escalate in the way it did. No harm done, though. We recovered quick enough.. I did my best to have fun and behave at my finest these past few days and as far as I’m concerned I did a pretty good-ish job. I feel like I did though, honestly. I hope I did make myself clear how I feel about considering yourself a burden.. You are my girlfriend sweetheart, who knows in a couple of years what you’ll be to me. But right now, you’re the most precious person I’ve met in my life. You’re so incredibly beautiful inside and out that I just want to consistently smooch you all over. You’ve been a blessing to me as a person and a lover and I can’t begin to explain how much that means to me.. Please, don’t ever insult that gorgeous vision I carry of you in my heart. It breaks my heart..

    I definitely had a nice birthday. I really, really did. It is just that.. Well, depression kind of takes away the entire power it has if you know what I mean. It takes the joy out of everything and it just kind of leaves you hanging empty. Even if I had gotten a house and a car for my birthday I would not be fully satisfied.. It’s crazy, ridiculously scary mostly. But that’s not the point. I really had an amazing time. I really did. Each day you had spent with me then had given me some form of joy in a joyless world.. And I’d say that’s quite a lot.. The cake and iced coffee was delicious though. I can’t thank you enough for how much you spoiled me those 3 weeks.. I really can’t. I did return some little things, but still love.. Thanks… And well, your sister’s boyfriends graduation party was okay I guess. I had some beer and could watch football, but apart from that.. I genuinely didn’t like most of the people there. They simply were not, my kind of people. I felt really estranged there. Your sister and her boyfriend are awesome and some guys right there were truly great as well but damn. It might be the age, perhaps the difference where I’m from or more obvious the depression. But, they simply were not my kind of people. But there was the game, and you, and the dynamic duo to keep me accompanied during the nervewrecking game so I was pretty satisfied I have to say. 

    And yeah, my expression might’ve been numbed but I was incredibly reliefed to have heard that I passed after all. It was so freaking annoying to constantly have to get after their ass to get my passing. While if you look at my gradelist I had an incredibly good list from the entire year. Meaning they would fail me only on one simply thing. The despair in my head was beyond great and I am happy to have heard that day that I could pass after all. The walk as well really felt great especially after the weird chaos that happened up the hill. Luckily it was only a police dog training but still… The icecream with applie pie and milkshake was amazing. I can’t remember the last day I had eaten so much calories after another but I REALLY enjoyed it and I REALLY deserved it at that moment so I REGRET NOTHING. Our anniversary, admittedly, was great. I can’t deny it. I love castles and stuff and you taking me there is just perfect on a day like that. Normally I would have to complain about the weather but on the other hand, it was just a nice excuse to cuddle up to you underneath the umbrella. It was a great day. So was the food, so were you, so was everything. It fitted the grim medieval setting as well so it was all good.. 

    I did not expect that many people, most of the people that were there I couldn’t even begin to imagine them actually putting so much effort in coming to see me for my birthday. I really couldn’t imagine it at all. The fact that that many people came. And they were all cool people too, genuinely nice and open to everybody in the group. No one was excluded and it was a lot of fun altogether. I really did have fun that day.. I guess it was one of the happiest days of my depression time so far. Mainly because I really DID NOT expect it in the slightest. I had my hunches but not enough to thoroughly follow them or start suspecting things. Kind of motivates me to organize a party myself next year. Who knows, it was a great idea though sweetheart. I really enjoyed having you there and not having to leave earlier or anything. I hope you liked our friday. It is mostly as mellow and relaxed as you experienced it then to be honest. Sometimes we go to Tomek or other parties and it’s a bit more extreme. And other time we have more access to substances and go a little bit more crazy. But mostly, the general form is like this. 2 best friends, having fun. Music, games. The whole thing. It is iconic to our friday and we love it because of it. It was nice to see you there once just so that you can see what I mean with it. It is so sacred to me because it is one of the only days that’s truly to myself. One where I can just do what I love with a friend who shares common interests and which we can stomp noobs with. Tomek more often takes part in our fridays, he’s like our third bro. But that aside, you made a good companion, despite knocking out on the couch.. Oh you cutiepie.. 

    Don’t worry, I don’t mind you being horny. I like crossing lines or at least looking for them. I will try to show you that during our holiday in Spain as well. Don’t worry, I will make sure you won’t have to visit a hospital. But I might leave some marks here and there. Hehe, I’m sure you won’t mind. It was fun to experience that horniness for once. I never could before so it was kind of fun. And well, it wasn’t as bad as I kind of expected it to me. Not bad at all really. Like you said, we could do that again.. For sure!

    I’m just very happy that it was you who is mine and along my side. I’m so happy it is you who I met on this kind of dark path to guide me home.. To help me through this all until the point where I can indeed finally be truly free and happy with you. Chase our own happiness instead of that of others. To be fully healthy.. To simply be with you like the past 6 days were. They were truly amazing, yes we have our differences but I don’t give a shit. I have them with everybody. I love you so fucking much you can’t begin to imagine sweetheart.. I’m so grateful to have you in my life and I really won’t want to do with anyone else in my life in such a way.. Ever.. You’re the one for me and I will work my hardest keeping what we have, making it even stronger.. Creating the perfect foundation for the rest of our lives together.. You’re amazing sweety, truly.. The light in my currently dark, dark world.. I hope we can both look back at it smiling one day. Without regret or worries. No second thoughts. Simply the past.. All our love in the present and perhaps holding two small children blessed with given names. Thank you so much, sweetheart. Yet again.. Thank you..

    Forever yours,


  4. Notes: 1 / 3 months ago 

    Fearful tears

    I’m sorry about the atmosphere we were in. I’m sorry about the tears and perhaps immense negativity. But at least you know that I’m willing to open up and attempt to fix things. Especially because I am fully aware of what is at stake. I need to get this medicine. I will not accept their insolence this time, simply because I feel that I am not being taken seriously. I don’t need to be talking to someone, I need to have access to the medication so that I can start healing. And I have an entire holiday to do so. Making it not as difficult to recuperate once I indeed DO get these medicine. I hope the side effects are limited to none. I hope it all goes according to plan if I indeed succeed in getting the medicine. Who knows, it’s a lot on my mind because it is really necessary.. As you may or may not have realised by now. 

    It was a rather quick weekend, to be frank. But a necessary one. It didn’t feel estranged at all. You didn’t feel distant. I felt close to you, really close to you. The way I’ve always known. It felt secure, and safe. Loving and warm. I needed that confirmation. Because from our distance it just felt really far away. More than usual. But I already explained that elaborately. So I’m pretty sure you understand.. It’s just a really terrifying factor, what this depression is slowly doing to me. I know that sometimes I do things that are because of myself and where I am in control of. But they are often consequences of what depression does to me. I’m not justifying it, that is not what I want at all. But it is an explanation as to what happens most of the time. I’m glad you can at least relatively understand it and you are very forgiving..

    So yeah, yet again thank you for being there for me. I know you can’t do much from a distance that far. And that we’re both equally busy. That we’re equally afraid and not always in the best of moods to take all the shit we have in stock for each other. But it is very reassuring to know that despite those differences we still love each other like no one else on this world ever could. With infinite support, love and care for each other. It is a beautiful thing indeed, I cannot deny that.. I am just incredibly thankful for your strength and patience for me. If you didn’t have that we’d most likely be through already, a couple of times perhaps even.. Now it is never certain that would indeed be that case. But it is realistically unstable to put it in a few words.. 

    I had fun this weekend as well, even if it were only for a day. A day is still a lot when you think about it. At least, I’d like to think of it as such. It makes me happy to see you arrive and still having the same old feelings I have for you as the beginning. And feeling that it is mutual.. There was no difference in the way you’d hold me and kiss me. No difference in the way you told me that you loved me. Your seemingly endless enthusiasm and spontaneous random outbursts.. You were the girl I’ve met 3 years ago. The same, beautiful, spontaneous girl I quickly learned to love. And I guess I needed to be reminded of that, I was not afraid that it was too late, or over. Not at all, but I thought the situation seemed more grim. Luckily I have been proven wrong on that ground. I hope to keep it that way..

    And it probably will, you said, even promised. That if my doctor is going to stick his head up his ass your father will help me. And I hope you can keep that promise. And that it’s not going to be a terrible issue or effort for your father to attain. I’d feel very guilty if that’s the case. Your father deserves a peace of mind as well, I can very much tell that on the occasion he really needs it. I don’t want him to see me as a patient. But I think you can understand that. So.. Eventually things will get back up again, slowly or steadily. Doesn’t matter, right? What matters is the initia outcome which is kind of secure right now. One way or the other. It doesn’t matter if I have to go past C to get from A to B. As long as I get there in the end. 

    And I’ve got you.. A long holiday ahead of us as well as a trip to Spain. I don’t think anything can help me recuperate as well as you do. And this holiday, I believe we have all the time in the world. No stress, responsibilities or anything necessarily negative. It’s time for good fun. Good times, things we’ve lived towards for a very long time now. And not to mention well deserved, both of us really need this time off. I’m glad it’s just around the corner. I’m glad it’s going to be you to spend it with..

    I love you so much sweetheart, I’m happy to see you this weekend as well. And on my birthday, and on the 8th. And so on.. Thank you so much for your effort, your input.. Your ideals, your beautiful strongly beating heart. I really need a person like that in my life.. Not just for those qualities, but for everything you are.

    I love you,
    forever yours


  5. Notes: 1 / 3 months ago 

    Hello sweetheart,

    Sorry it took me so long to write you back.. I don’t know what happened but it sorta slipped my mind and before I knew it, it was Friday. Better late than never is applicable here. But still, if you really needed it anytime sooner than I apologise. I’m glad you were happy to see me though, and that you ‘needed’ it just as much I did. It was a fun experience all together I have to admit. My week was really.. well. Odd. I felt really odd, and not necessarily very good. But that’s okay, I had a great weekend with you. And practically the day after tomorrow I’ll be taking the first steps towards slowly attempting to fix my problem. And that’s something I am looking forward to, I genuinely hope for a positive outcome. I’ve got your father’s note and all of your advice in the back of my head and I shall approach this with confidence. I think it’s going to be at least a little bit necessary so that I know what I’m talking about and kind of convince him what I came there for. No matter what the outcome I will have to continue going forward, I can’t let myself be stuck at the same position forever and slowly watching myself drift away further ashore.. 

    The journey to Vlissingen was pretty cool I had to say, for once different and I had the chance to read a lot. I had a way to basically read about 150 pages of my book so I can start reading my Diablo books for our holiday soon. Something I’m really looking forward to as well.. So after I got there it was really nice weather. It had been the entire road except for the area around Brabant. But I can’t complain, it didn’t take long until I saw you drive up to me and I could start a holiday-like feeling for a day or two. It was nice out there. It really was. Except for a slight and soft rain it was a really succesful day. Nice food, (I still feel kinda bad for you on that behalf) a nice hotelroom for us two. A nice and colorful run and awesome breakfast. The road back went by really fast as well. At least, it felt like it. Maybe it was because I was reading. But it really wasn’t all that bad..

    Then we could start just doing nothing, relaxing in the sun. Swimming. And some more reading in my case. The weather yet again was sublime. I really liked the sort of BBQ your parents did though. Lot’s of meat and some nice weather. I can’t complain not even a little bit. I have to say I really loved the storm as well. It was absolutely gorgeous. I would’ve loved to just stayed outside. Feeling the storm rage on my skin and face. Resisting the power, looking at the gorgeous lightning and listening to the raging thunder directly. One day perhaps, I really loved it.  You have no idea how much.. Not more than I love you though, but that’s besides the point.

    Going on the hill to watch over Pinkpop was also really a nice thing to do. Depending on the line-up next year I’d surely love to go. We’ll see if we’re both in the mood for it. If we have time and are willing.. But it was nice. To just be out of the house with you. Sitting there, talking, taking a walk.. I always like those things with you. I don’t really know why, alone it’d be pretty.. boring and lonely. But with you, we just always seem to have something to talk about. I never seem to get bored of you no matter how long I see you or how often we speak. I have my days where I’d rather stay quiet and not talk. But that doesn’t have to do with you, but with other.. ‘issues’.. But you’re well aware of that.. 

    The weekend didn’t necessarily have to be about me.. I felt more like it was about us. I just felt really horrible yet again and got surprised about having to present and all that. A lot of negativity seem to have surrounded me and well. Any kind of negative influence will most likely put me underground. I’ve got no resistance left, my fortitude on positivity has immensely weakened. I really don’t like where that is going, thus I decided to go ask for those meds. I really don’t like the idea, still. But I have to make some sacrifices at least.. right? I can’t just expect it to fix itself. This is quite serious.. sadly. 

    By saying it’s about us I simply mean that it helped us both just be together again for more than a day. It helped us recuperate from our bad week and was perhaps a necessary quick reminder of how great of a couple we are. You can’t have it all of course. But that’s okay, when we can have an amazing few days together involving an awesome hotel along the beach and enjoying the great weather. We should take that opportunity and love each other like we always do..

    It’s only a week more from now. I’ll see you again. And than again, again.. Oh boy, what if I get tired of you?.. No, just kidding. I’m looking forward to it. I btw checked my schedule and I’m free from the week of the 8th of July. So I’ll definitely be there, and the week after that. So no worries anymore, it’s pretty certain now. But I’m supposed to pick up my grades on thursday somewhere. (July 10th.) But that’s enough time. I’ll leave on late Wednesday then followed by lots of more fun. 

    Altogether I’m really looking forward to the holiday. Our holiday, basically the entire summer holiday going to be filled with awesome goodies. We’ll definitely get the skating bit. No doubt. I’m really looking forward to that. Just the LAST few miles. 2 more weeks practically and I’ll be done with all of it. I have 2 weeks so from now I really am gonna have to get my shit together and work hard for everything. At least to get the most of my sufficient grades. I’ll probably purposely fail some of the subjects but for most I’ll try my best.. At least try. That’s all I can do, right?

    I´m just really happy you’re mine.. I hope these meds will work and you’ll slowly start finding your old boyfriend back and that at least I’ll be able to feel normal again. I don’t have to feel explicitly happy. Just normal, not like a 50 year old late midlife crisising over nothing. I think it’ll be a step in the right direction. It’s my last hope though, so I hope it’ll get through. I hope I’ll not completely fuck up school in the meantime and that somehow I’ll be able to ram through these last two walls. 

    I appreciate all you do for me, how much you shit you’re able to take from me. It’s not all terrible, I am aware of that. But sometimes things just go so unnecessarily wrong with both our inputs. It’s never the fault of one person but mostly it is I that ignite the wrong sparks. Know that I’m sorry and I’ll be working on it this entire holiday. So I can slowly start building myself up again. 

    Don’t ever think you make things worse, don’t ever think less of yourself. Because you’re not, this is just a really complicated thing and no one can just ‘fix’ it for me. I’ll have to start doing that, I’ll need a little help yes. From you, and some chemicals it seems. But with that help I hope it’ll be enough.

    I´m really looking forward to our time together starting next week sweetheart. I’ll be fighting hard, know that. Thank you for all your support and love and kindness. Your listening ear and for putting up with all the pain I’ve occasionally caused you. That you haven’t left me yet because of it. Luckily you know my being, my core. You know my soul.. It’s what you fell in love with. I am confident you would leave but a lot of people would have. And thus I tell you I appreciate it sweetheart, you have no idea..

    Yet again, thank you for everything.
    I’m going to need you..
    I love you,


  6. Notes: 1 / 3 months ago 

    A little late(r)

    I’m sorry about not having written you yet, at first it sort of slipped my mind and then I just was really occupied. Plus a day where things didn’t go well between us.. Kind of ruined the mood to write for me. Then yesterday was another fairly poor night and I woke up quite shitty.. Pretty much contributed to that feeling. But at least I’m writing now. Better late than never, right? It’s okay you wrote later as well, as you said you were busy so don’t worry about it. It’s okay, we have times where we don’t have to instantly write each other. But as long as we do, something like this still means the world to me and I don’t want tumblr to completely die out. And I don’t think you do either..

    Can’t really say I liked the weekend much and looking at it afterwards if I could save you all that hardship I would. We can’t always have a full on lovey dovey relationship. I am aware of that. But at least it could be better than like that, right? Yes the blow really hit me, it really really freaking hit me. It took my quite some time to even remotely recover from it. You helped with that though.. I felt so beaten and having someone to hold and hold me really does miraclework. And you’re incredibly good at making me feel at ease and loved. Even though my mind was a ticking timebomb you still did very well to keep me happy. Or at least try to. I didn’t want you there at the heat of the moment, but the moment I woke up I didn’t feel angry anymore but empty.. And you did well to fill that void, so yes in the end I can say that I’m glad you were there to at least fix some of the damage.

    Yeah I can’t complain much about the barbecue. It tasted really good and of course lots and lots of meat! My favourite thing. And there was beer and delicious soda and the weather was pretty great as well. I would be lying if I told you I was feeling happy this entire time. In fact I was gloomy for the biggest part of it. But the walk felt great, being able to vent my heart to you also felt a bit better to release some of that tension. So I could sit back and relax, enjoy good food. And cute kitties. They were my best friends of that day. The dessert was also pretty good. I’ve never seen icecream being produced like that but it tasted great so whatever, right? I’m happy to hear you didn’t experience it all that dramatic yourself. I was also very happy to hear that our holiday was coming through after all. I must say it really put a dent in my heart when I heard all of that had to be canceled. I have already planned a way to pay you back. So by the end of the year you should have it back depending on much my parents are giving me.

    Showering didn’t help much with so much chaos on my mind and the surrounding sounds only involving crying and yelling. It felt nice to step in the shower though. At least it relaxed me a little bit. I didn’t really feel terrible about your foot. It just shocked me you know. I never mean to hurt you, ever. So it shocked me that it happened and I felt like I really couldn’t forgive myself at first. Eventually my common sense came back and you made it clear that it was okay so it felt a bit better. Afterwards Game of Thrones really helped me to get my mind off things and to just.. Hold you, and lay there. Slowly filling the emptiness..

    We definitely had a lot of ‘fun’ times. I can’t complain a single second about that fact. It was some really good smexy times as well. Quite a way to say goodbye, don’t you think? I don’t think my mother cared that much. You’re definitely not a saint on that ground, I remember you having trained me the way I am today. Maybe through my own initiative as well. But still.. You guided me in the right direction, told me what you like and I acted accordingly ;) Long live doors indeed..

    Yeah, I would’ve been there if I had the money. But that can’t be helped so I’ll just try to slowly accept that. I hope you’re not too bummed about it. I was really looking forward to it I have to admit. Just seeing you again, maybe in a different atmosphere this time. Seeing you on my birthday for the moment is all that matters to me. I don’t really care about celebrating it in a big way. But perhaps I’ll find something after all, but nothing is on the planning yet. So yeah, admittedly I miss you. I miss you a lot. But I also love you. I love you a lot. So it’ll be bearable I guess.

    Thanks for your endless support and love sweetheart. I really appreciate it and I couldn’t do with another woman in my life. You mean the world to me and I’m so sure we’ll get really far together. One way or the other, with a way around or through obstacles. We’ll get there.

    Forever yours,

  7. Notes: 1 / 4 months ago 


    Hey babe,

    Can I tell you that I had an amazing time? I really needed this.. I never knew you planned all this, else I would’ve never reacted in the way I did. I don’t really know why I did to begin with. I don’t know what happened, I just felt pretty terrible I guess. All I can tell you is that it was an amazing idea and you should never be afraid that I don’t like them. You know me, I think you’d know for sure when I don’t like something. And this was great, and a lot of fun. We are up to date with our series and had an awesome time. Even the movie was kinda good. We enjoyed the weather at its maximum capability and had amazing sex. 

    So yeah, thanks again sweetheart. At first I was really doubtful about this weekend. I didn’t know what to expect anymore or if I simply blew it all. But after you came clean with me I started regaining my senses, accepting this amazing idea and go for it. You brought along a lot of yummy food and we arrived in less than a whim. Time went by really fast and before we knew it we were at the beach. Relaxing, eating our lunch. It had been so long since I was there so it felt really nostalgic as well. We could do this more often, especially since it’s pretty easy to get there. (in my opinion). After the relaxing and the pretty damn good kibbeling we went to pick our place to eat. Which was a really good idea, the theater menu’s were at a good price and tasted pretty damn good. The salmon filet was really great, the vegetables were a bit disappointing though but hey. We can’t have it all. After that the walk along the beach felt really good, call me a hopeless romantic but it really felt lovey-dovey. Collecting the perfect shells. They really looked amazing though and I’m really bummed (still) that I forgot to take them with me. They actually started meaning something to me. But hey, you gotto see them so I guess I can’t complain. The delightful swirl definitely got to cheer me up shortly after. Then we got home, and well… Had a ‘hot’ shower. The movie was okay though, I can’t really say it was very great or that enjoyable. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. It had some cool special effects and the action was okay as well. So in the end I was satisfied. (And how could I not, after that shower..)

    Today was great as well, waking up, having some great sex yet again. Having breakfast, watching Game of Thrones and go for a walk. Which was really nice as well. A proper lunch and some delights that I couldn’t resist to have. It felt really nice. It really felt like summer, I can’t complain. Not even a little bit. I really had a great time in this weather..

    I can’t help but thank you dear, this.. I don’t know how. But it was exactly what I needed. Away from this place, forget about the world and just fall in a dream with you. A dream of you. It’s been such a long time I slept like that and I can’t even begin to remember how loved I felt seeing you again. I was really happy to go there. Always when I feel depressed I just really long for your arms. To make me feel safe, to make me feel loved and protected. I am a strong man but I can’t beat this with sheer power. I need love, lots of it. And you seem to be my infinite source of it and I just can’t get enough of you. I can’t seem to get bored, as I stated in the text. The sex still feels equally as amazing (if not better), the love has only become greater. The passion only seems to carry more fire. The days we have only seem to go by faster since I’m having such a blast of a time. Whether that’s doing nothing, or going to the beach or the movies. Whether that’s buying skates together to go and have fun or just planning it. I don’t know.. You just bring out the best of me and I can’t help but have a smile on my face the moment I catch your eyes again. 

    All in all, this weekend was the perfect weekend to spend with you. The weather, the events. It meant so much to me so don’t ever be afraid to come up with ideas. Like I did about the skates.. It could be so much fun love, you have no idea. We’ve been in a relationship for so long but every idea we come up excites me yet again. I’m already looking forward to when I’ll see you again, so we can go to Divergent, hopefully and have yet again a blast. For a dark guy, I have at least one sunshine that’ll always be there for me. You.. My only sunshine. You’re there when I need you most no matter how foolish my behaviour. Know that I have lots of respect for that, and admiration. I know I’ve done and would have done the same for you but still.. I don’t ever want you to think I take it for granted or that I do no appreciate it well enough. So when I can, I’ll let you be fully aware of that. So thank you, thank you so much love..

    I’m looking forward to the upcoming months love.. No matter how bad it becomes please don’t ever stop believing in me.. I really need your support, I really do.. I know it’s really cliche but I’d be lost without it. I need sometimes really need your golden heart to guide me..

    Within me still resonates the biggest amount of love you’ll ever find, truthful and loyal. I want nothing but to be yours, so don’t ever worry dear. Because it will take A LOT to tear me away from you, something as extreme as death or cheating. And that is not going to happen between is, I am certain. 

    Thank you for being my beacon of hope.. I can’t thank you enough love, don’t ever leave my side.. <3

    Forever yours,


  8. Notes: 1 / 4 months ago 

    Ballad of a Fucked Up Guy

    With that I never meant that I’m incredibly bad for you or to you for that matter. With that I don’t mean I’m fucked up inside or outside. It’s just that it feels that way, I am fighting so many conflicts within myself at the same time. Each individual battle I can manage but sometimes they collide and that’s when things go horribly wrong. That’s when I truly notice the depression. It is really difficult to be someone that you’re proud of when you’re almost always engulfed in negative energy. It’s difficult to not see myself as a lesser being, or to not hate the world around me when there are way too many people suffering. It is difficult to be motivated, to put effort into things. The gif I believe still explains best what goes through me at times like that. I’m always tired.. I barely have energy to do most of the things I have to do, or want to do. I feel like an underachiever, someone with wasted potential. Someone who could do so much better. Someone who could look so much better. So many things contribute to the self loathing, which normally I can suppress as I know it’s not realistic. But at those times, everything just sucks, I hate everything and everyone and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and sleep.

    When I look at myself in the mirror, I see an exhausted young man. I feel like I look like I’m 30 instead of an only 19 year old (fit) guy. I feel weak, and powerless. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore, I don’t want to either. I just collapse and everything around me fades. I want to give up, I want to quit. I just want to be left alone. That’s why I can’t handle working out anymore, the effort was too great.. Then looking at the results, it destroyed me. ‘Causing scars of insecurity and damaging my body image. 

    Even though, the truth is not different from when I speak when I’m not depressed. I do have to admit that when it hits, that truth is stated in a much more harsh matter. I don’t give a shit, at those times. I can’t be assed to consider other peoples feelings. I don’t care about the consequences. Which is, to be honest, a bad thing. I am entitled to my own opinion, yes. But it can be put in a way that it doesn’t completely ruin your mood, or someone else’s for that matter. What I’m trying to say is, what I said about the signing thing. I stand behind every word I said on these posts and to you. I stand behind the fact that with the ability I’d destroy the entire world. I stand behind the fact that psychedelic drugs are my kind of thing. I mean every word, but I guess the way it came across was quite harsh to you as well. I am not really considering to use and abuse hard drugs. Although if I can’t hallucinate from any soft drugs than I’ll have to have tried it at least once. And that will be it for me. So hereby, I am sorry for the way I said these things. You didn’t deserve that, but I still believe the words to be true.

    That being said, I guess I should enlighten you to the brighter side of it all. Even when I’m ‘depressed’. Like you stated about yesterday night. Indeed, I had problems going away. It wasn’t really that I COULDN’T leave. But something inside of me just wanted to listen to you breathe softly as you sleep. Something inside of me wanted to stay up all night talking to you. Something inside of me just wanted to see you smile one more time. The other side of me wanted to kiss you, hold you, stroke your hair, love you like no one ever does and cherish you as if you’re a physical part of me. 

    As fucked up as I feel I am. There is a light, a sanity buried inside of me. There is a heart, still. A soul, with perhaps only a small candlelight fire sometimes. But it’s still there. And for some reason looking at you reflects me back at that soul, that heart. The better parts of me, the things that in the case of love.. Truly matter. Like you stated, the guy who surprises you with a bottle of wine and lots of hugs and kisses. Spending the night, having awesome breakfast together. The happy things, perhaps the little things. The guy who doesn’t get fed up over having to spend his entire day sitting still, watching people dance and you for a couple of minutes. But those couple of minutes make it really worthwhile. Things like that..

    And then there’s a woman in my life, who’d go through hell and back to cure me of this. Who stands powerless as much as I do. Who does her utmost best in every possible way to help, to contribute to feeling better. Because honey, I truly do notice.. It’s just really difficult to deal with and as insanity breaks my composure there is not much left of me. But you take my hand from the dark, use your amazing golden heart as a flashlight to guide me back to my path. And I walk again, slowly but steadily. Until I get lost again. And there she is, again. I never regretted dating you, loving you. Being loved by you. The only thing I regret is that I had to find you at such a terrible moment of my life. I understand life isn’t all about happiness and laughter. But why do it always have to be the extreme cases? 

    I sometimes wish so much better for you, and not necessarily from someone else. But from me, I may put a lot of strain on myself but that is literally the only thing that keeps me alive. If I was weak hearted I’d already be stuck in these moods. But not just for a couple of days, it’d consume me and I’d be forever that walking corpse. I just expect things of myself, things I KNOW I can achieve. I guess one of the most important factors of that has become being a good companion to you. A good lover, a friend. Anything you might ask of me. Simply because I feel like you deserve it, you’ve earned it. And no, you don’t have to earn it nor deserve it. But I still want to give it to you because to me, you mean the world.. You truly do. My future revolves around you, the planning I make is almost all headed towards you.. You simply mean that much to me.

    Eventually, I come out of this. But it doesn’t make me less tired, doesn’t give me less headaches. It doesn’t give me less heartache and issues within myself. It doesn’t make me more motivated, or stronger. It doesn’t help me during work outs. It doesn’t help me make progress in anything. It doesn’t fix things. But at least it helps me find myself again so I can at least work on it, instead of acting like I’ve already given up.

    I’m just very grateful of you. I am really happy with such a beautiful, amazing girlfriend by my side. You help me find myself again, you help me see things clearly again when I need it most. And I could never thank you enough for that. I hope you understand that, that you realize that. You are the best thing that had ever happened to me, and if it weren’t for you. I’d already be a lost cause, or perhaps even dead.. Let that sink in for a moment.. You do a lot more than you think you do.

    Never forget that darling, please.
    I love you more than life itself..

  9. Notes: 1 / 4 months ago 


    Yeah, it’s always a little bit grim.. I had some trouble getting myself to write as well. Not because it is so difficult to write for you. But because, well.. I find it more difficult to express myself. Not because I can’t. But because I have so many times it’s sometimes difficult to keep it original. So what I try to do is attempt to dig deeper into the details, the small things. But that doesn’t make it much easier for me to write whilst being tired and having a cut on my finger which stings like a bitch every time I use it to tap a key. But I know that in the end, I’ll be happy and glad I had written. I will memorize the important bits and will fall asleep full of positive and happy thoughts. With you on my mind. Waking up might be harsh the next morning, because you’re not by my side. It doesn’t really matter in the end. I am happy.. Very happy to have spent this few days with you and even happier about having you by my side..

    After I arrived, yes, I really didn’t feel all that good. But I’m trying to control and steer my emotions now, I’m trying to recuperate and tell myself I have left the bad things at home for now. So I can just be happy with you. So it took some time to recuperate but as you said, swiftly after I cheered myself up by simply looking at you. Being able to hold you again, to cuddle with you and kiss you.. To cook with you. Like I said. I was clingy, this for a reason. I missed you, last time the goodbye was really harsh on me but this time luckily it wasn’t as bad. Like you said, it felt light|(er). Of course there’s always a bit inside of me that tells itself “don’t go.. you could have a few more hours..” And that’s true, but I have to be realistic sometimes, and strict on myself. Be reasonable. But sometimes love always seems to make the most intelligent people look like fools. Which is okay, really.. Because I don’t see it as a bad thing. If I love you so much you drive me mad (not negatively) than I’m pretty sure whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it right. I’m head over heels, my darling. And I’m lovin’ it. 

    I’m okay with most of the things, yeah like I said previously I look ahead more often than normally. But days like these just prove how amazing it is to be with you, filled with joy, happiness, obligations and responsibilities. I count school and bellydancing as one of those. Even though you might see that differently. I’m glad you look at it the same way I do though, I don’t want to stand in your way. I really don’t. With anything really. I want you to know that as long as you’re with me you’re completely free to dive in whatever you want to. Of course, I have my opinions about it but I would never restrict you. Even though, on the occasion you want to give me your full attention. That’s okay. If you go for 3 hours that’s also okay. I can entertain myself pretty well as you’re well aware of. Anyways, I digressed a little bit again. What I meant to say is that these days are simply little tests and examples we have for later. Or something as important (and fun) as our Spain trip.. We’ll have so many milestones yet to reach together but I’m very happy watching us close in on them. Slowly, but very steadily.. And one day, we’ll look back at this. Smiling. I promise you that

    You’re right, our days were amazing. I really did succeed buying the clothes I wanted and succeeded in keeping the price limited as well. It was necessary though. I only had 2 decent pants left. And a new belt, well. Why not. I’m still curious to find one of those cool woven ones though. I’ll fine one of those someday. I really liked the breakfasts you always prepare for me though.. I think it’s really sweet. They say the love of a man goes through his stomach, well.. To a certain degree that’s true. At least for me personally a woman who knows to take care of food is a woman to love no matter what. So you’ve scored some big points in that over the last few years. As well as your company.. I value that a lot. Just being around you often can cheer me up way higher than I was before. I really like just.. doing nothing with you. Having random conversations. It means more to me than you think. It’s really crazy how I can’t really explain what we really do. But how I am so damn convinced that I had a blast of a time that day. And thinking back, I can’t really tell why. In fact, it’d be a very short story. We watched stuff, and did nothing. But it makes me so happy.. Because for some reason doing nothing with you gets on an entire new level. Some sort of natural high on love kinda thing. I really appreciate the way our personalities match..

    I have to say though, some things I do consciously. Some I don’t, I do them on the whim. Like hiding my head underneath the blankets and on your stomach. The dreams don’t really scare me, but they haunt me. They make me think often. And it really frightens me on the occasion, which is why I don’t like talking about it. I’m not easy to frighten, but sometimes these dreams always seem to find and exploit the fears I do have. And I hate it, I really do. You didn’t quite understand what I said though, even though what you said was correct. I do relax with you, as you do with me. But it goes WAY deeper than that for me. You have to understand that when I tell you that you soothe me, you calm me.. That you soften the chaos in my head. You relax my muscles and you make me feel at ease.. Soothed. I don’t have that anywhere and with anyone. I experience this rarely, literally only with you. When I say that, don’t take it lightly.. Because to me, it is literally the best feeling in the world.. And it means more than the world to me that I found that within you. Because it’s literally the only escape I have from my fatigue and when it hits, my depression. You are a remedy when all I feel is calamity.. And sometimes, you have no idea how much I need that. Especially when I’m as vulnerable as when I dreamed bad. It makes me happy to know I’ll always find a safe haven within your soul.. 

    Goodbyes are never a good thing, but sadly. They are inevitable for now. Even when we grow old together there’ll be a time where we’ll say goodbye to each other. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for perhaps a week, a month.. For god knows what kinda reasons. (Mostly fun, I expect). And then there will be a permanent goodbye. But only when I’m old and tired of living. When I’ve had many many years with you filled with joy and accomplishments. And I can die a happy husband, father and grandfather. Until then, I’ll make the best of it. And keep draining the joy out of being young. And I couldn’t think of a better person babe, I really can’t. You are the love of my life, the joy of my world.. Every breath I take I miss the scent of your hair, or the warm brush of your breath in my neck. Your lips upon mine, our hands entangled together. And even though that right now, longing is all I can do. I’ll settle for nothing less but you.

    Forever yours,


  10. Notes: 1 / 5 months ago 


    I’ve never looked at it from that perspective. Easter eggs in real life.. I can’t really relate them to real life because well. Mostly easter eggs (within games) are completely out of place and clearly do not belong in the game. However when these events occur with you, they are perfect for the moment. They fit the day, the place. They are made for us, or so it seems. But apart from that you could call them that I guess, it’s just that I can’t really relate you, to a game. Perhaps in a way that you’re absolutely beautiful, and perfect for me in most ways. That can catch me a bit off guard sometimes. Makes it feel really unreal to have someone like you in my life. I suppose I didn’t really experience it fully the way you did, especially since my sister decided to be a huge cunt again.. But whatever.. The older she gets, the more I don’t like her.

    This weekend was great yeah, I basically had 3 Fridays from Thursday ‘til Saturday. I got to see you in between and I spent Easter with you. Which was really good, and fun. Your performance was amazing and I personally believe your best one yet. You deserved more credit than you were given, but okay. Putting that aside, I am still extremely proud of you. You looked gorgeous and did an incredibly good job. So the rose you definitely deserved, along with the flower from our best friend and the little gift from my mom. I hope you feel the same way. It’s been a while since I bought you a rose and somehow I really wanted it to be a white one this time. They’re pretty gorgeous, I have to say. 

    Yeah, these past, well, almost 3 months have been all-round bellydancing. And that’s okay you know, that’s perfectly fine. We talked about it, as long as you don’t rudely/abruptly interrupt me or change topic I’m perfectly content about talking and listening to belly-dance related stuff. As long as it’s not becoming all you’ve gotto say I’m fine with it. It’s good to see your eyes so passionate about something. The happy look in your eye is something I can get easily addicted to, and if I can would like to give that to you for the rest of your life. You deserve no less, gorgeous dancer.. 

    My heart wasn’t really aching that day, yeah I missed you. But missing something that isn’t permanently taken away from you is no pain. It’s just a ‘see you soon’ kinda thing. Yeah, I had to swallow my tears. Yes it was difficult for me to say goodbye to you. But that was.. I don’t know. We were really intimate and were laying back so relaxed. Talked about some real things. And the willingness to stay was really hard on me. Especially after everything seemed to have settled and I started planning ahead. What I could do, etc. It just struck me, you know. It kind of left me hanging my head. Suddenly, I was alone again. And my second half was separated from me. I have these days, I’ve had them more often. Where I just am really clingy and find it hard to say goodbye to you. I’ve never seen it as a bad thing, though I always found it hard to admit that I had swallow tears saying goodbye to you. It just makes me realize you know, how much you mean to me. You always tell me how you think you don’t help and can’t fix things. And to a certain degree that’s true. But if you can make me feel like that when you leave, someone like me.. I mean, you know me.. You know what I’m like. I don’t cry often. But you touch my heart, you reach my soul. You turn me inside out. Everything just seems to long for your arms. My heart body and soul ache to kiss you again. My eyes long to reflect your gorgeous face in them. To simply lay down with you. Spoil you with hugs and kisses. Yeah.. I just miss you.

    Eventually it was for the better, it wouldn’t feel good for either of us having to say goodbye in the early morning. If I wake next to you I instantly just get lazy. Because often next to you I have the best of nights. At least I feel safe, and at ease. I feel calm and protected. And I often don’t have that at night, especially not when my dreams were heavy. You’re an amazing person to sleep next to and I get enchanted just from looking at you. Even when I don’t feel tired at all, when you lay in my arms, resting that blushy cheek on my chest.. I fall in love again and again. I dream away in all sorts of enchanting thoughts and my eyes become heavy until we both lay in a gentle slumber. You complete me, when I’m asleep and during the day. 

    We’ve been in love for a long time now, we know each other very well and we also know what is required of us to make this work. Especially since we’re willing to make these sacrifices, we’re willing to do this for each other. And that, is probably the most important factor. We’re willing. It all starts from there, determination and dedication swiftly follow towards a successful future. Without a doubt we are able to achieve whatever we want to, at least together. People around us often don’t know that, they still think it’s better to replace things than to fix things.. While the more you fix something, the stronger it gets, the more you start to learn about it. Eventually ‘til it’s perfectly molded and shaped in a way that it works. And we’ve been molding, shaping and fixing us as far as I can remember. We know what we are doing, and we know the results.. We know we always come out with a stronger heart, loving each other even stronger than before. And that is our most powerful tool. We don’t stop loving each other when times get rough, we fight and learn. We apply these teachings and improve. 

    You’re right though, I didn’t expect it to last long. But it’d be great to have a girl to fool around with during the summer holiday, I thought. Of course, I hoped for more and I felt something special about you. But I always try to stay humble and held back to avoid disappointment. I wouldn’t dare to have guessed that after almost 3 years I’d be here today. Still loving you, and fair to say loving you a lot more than I did back then. It is amazing how much we’ve grown together and even more amazing when we look at our personal development. We have an incredible relationship we can only be absolutely proud of. That is something I am immensely grateful for. It is a two man job, definitely. But you deserve some credit for putting up with a lot of my shit that most people would’ve ran from long ago. But you didn’t. And that alone makes me very grateful. So thank you babe…

    Which is also why I am admittedly thinking more of the future. It is not because I can’t wait, or because I want to rush things. But I think it’d be realistically possible, that you are a potential person who could make that work. Purely realistically looking at it I can’t be sure. But I have had hunches and clues that it does become apparent. Little weeks of us, a couple of days on our own. Stuff like that, and it never goes wrong actually. Never. Yeah we fight on the occasion but for different reasons. Not because we can’t handle the pressure of being alone together. 24/7 this is an entirely different story. But like I said before, we’ve got huge potential to make this work. To get really far with this.

    I am so proud to say it’s you.. Yeah, I wouldn’t say that you should appreciate that I am as a lone ranger and I picked you. But it is a special thing really. I wouldn’t have this soon nor often, with anybody. But you are an incredible exception. A beautiful one.. I couldn’t be happier to have found you in my life and you will continue to make me happy. I am sure of that, because you’re really good at that. As long as you remember that.

    Life’s not always easy to me, no.. But if it was the price I had to pay for having you in my life. I’d gladly pay it twice. Realize that you are the love of my life, sweetheart. I don’t want to have it any other way..

    You’re mine..

    Forever yours,

My name's Michael, a 18 years old guy living in the Netherlands. Not your average type of guy. Things I like are music, art, writing, photoshopping, drawing, playing guitar and the sky. My choice of music mainly leans towards the heavier rock and a bit of DnB. There's not much to explain about my personality, fill in the blanks I'd say. (: