It’s okay, I understand your bit of frustration with writing. You obviously have a shitload left to write and this, well. It’s still something that consumes time and yet again has to put words on the keyboard. In a different atmosphere and less forced, but still writing. I have to admit I never liked writing. I’ve always hated it eversince I was little. But ever since I met you I found the beauty of it as well. Another way of expressing my deep, and often kind thoughts. Without having to say them out loud, or bother anyone with them. But writing these tumblrs.. Hell we’ve written so freaking many. And it still doesn’t bore me, not a bit. It’s difficult for me to write sometimes because depression makes it extremely hard to express yourself. But occasionally forcing these words out is not a bad thing.. I’m obviously sorry about last week. I explained it to you so I won’t have to do it again.. Know that I try.. It’s REALLY difficult for me but I try…
Nothing compares to the feeling I get when I’m near you though. And I might not always be a 100% fully there, and yes my mind often is absent. But I can’t really help it, luckily you know it too. Just know that you really shouldn’t blame yourself. Always when I’m with you, I feel better.. The moment you lay in my arms. The moment I can hug you again. Everything just feels lighter. Even if only temporary. I can’t say how long it’ll last or when it’ll be over. I can’t tell you enough how badly I’d want it to go away. But it won’t, not on command. Not without help. Help that is pretty much out of reach for me.
But there you are, your beautiful self. A golden heart you often have heard me mention. Graceful appearance and the soul of a lioness. You fight it, no matter how fierce this monster becomes you try it anyway. And you might lose, you might get hurt. But you’re there. You try.. I can’t tell you enough how much it breaks my heart to hurt you like that. How afraid I am when I start ‘losing’ myself. But I love you, I am fully aware of that. And I’m willing to work on that.. Please don’t ever start blaming yourself.. It’s really hard for me as someone who used to self-harm to contain that when depression hits hard. It’s like I’m watching someone else pull the strings. An evil being, taking me over. It’s not me.. And it never will be. I fear this though, more than I’d like to admit. Because I stand so powerless, it makes me feel so, incredibly weak…
I do these little things simply because I don’t want you to forget who you fell in love with. (Which I personally wouldn’t be surprised you need to be reminded of occasionally.) I am very difficult to deal with at those times. But you know that what you can find in me is special. What Í can give you, is special. But sadly, this comes with this ‘price’. Which luckily you think is worth it.. I would’ve lost a dozen girls over these things already. I’m sure of it.. I’m very lucky to have you, you know that? You might not be perfect but hell, look at me. I’m broken glass stuck together by a shitty brand of glue. Losing pieces..
I’m sorry about what I said about the marriage thing, and kids.. But you have to understand. The more I think of it I don’t want to settle down early and already blow most of my opportunities away for the next at least 20 years. There’s a lot I want to do, a lot I want to accomplish. I’m not saying, and never said I don’t want this to be with you. Or because my intention is to seek someone else. No. Hell no. But I want to travel with you, have tours through Europe with you. Have amazing holidays with you. Do all sorts of things that you can’t necessarily do with kids. You have to be able to accept that if you indeed plan on having a life with me. Because I DO want that, more than anything. But if the rest of my life is going to be with you, I want to be sure. More than a 100%. Because if I’d ever have to divorce I’d rather kill myself. Which means, saying that I do want to marry you is quite a HUGE deal for me. You HAVE to understand and not take it personally. But I am so bloody damn serious about it.. Lots can happen, and if it happens before I am able to take your hand at the altar than so be it. But I don’t want that, you’re the one I’m going for and you’re the one I want to be with. If I can for the rest of my life. But you have to be patient. Please don’t be offended. But realize what this means to me, and that I want that person to be you.
So know that our canvas will be amazing. Our canvas is gonna be so bright of colors it will blind even the best pair of eyes. It will be beautiful, it will be graceful. We would have experienced lots and lots of things together and aim for the best in our lives. Aim for amazing future goals. I’m pretty sure what I want and where I want to go with my future yes. For you, it’s not so certain. It’s going to depend on quite a few things but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I have amazing confidence in you and your pretty brains. I’m sure that if you really put yourself into it, you’ll be able to do it. Block out all pessimism and all negativity sometimes put in from me. And you’ll be fine. I have faith in you, I always have and I always will. Our life together, will be amazing. I promise you that.
You’re beautiful in every aspect a human being could be. You’re healthy, you’re intelligent and very smart. You’re social, kind. You might like to fish for compliments and you might like people rubbing your ego. But hey, I can’t deny you deserve it. So boast away my love. I’ll rub your ego like a motherfucker if I have to. If just, at least. I know I am flawed in almost every aspect, but please forgive me. I didn’t quite get off with the right foot, nor was the rest of my life up until now really fair. That’s what I mean btw, with things that could happen. I attract a lot of badluck. It’s kind of like my thing.. Sad but true.
This weekend I have to say I loved, it felt really rejuvinating and even though it was difficult to say goodbye again it was really refreshing to just be with you again. Sleep in your arms especially, or at least next to you. What I spoke about the other night, being afraid of the depression and all that. It really helped to get that off my chest. I can’t type these things you know, I can’t connect to you through wifi. But I can when you’re up close, when you look into my eyes and tell me you love me. That boundary would be gone. And I can at least try to open up to you.
I really liked the movie as well, they paid a lot of attention to detail and also the action was damn great. I’ve got nothing to complain. I love the Japanese culture, combine that with fantasy elements and you get a pretty amazing movie. The walk I liked too, sorry for making you spend so much money though, that was anything but intended.. You already knew I was short on cash but hey, perhaps this upcoming Friday I can say I’m loaded. I do kind of deserve this financial upgrade though. Especially if it’s gonna get us to go on a holiday.. And all that beautiful stuff. You have no idea how much I look forward to that already. The waffle with hot cherries was so damn tasty though, like damn. Mouthgasm. If that included icecream I think I would need some clean pants…
Seriously though, you’re absolutely beautiful dear. I still fall in love with your body. Burn hot from passion when I look at your stunning body. I still melt when you smile and look into my eyes. I still FEEL when you tell me you love me. And feeling is a difficult at times, but you awaken that. You burn up that little candle inside of me to become a blazing flame. You make me happy, comfortable. Safe most of all. You’re my pretty girl, and there’s nothing left I have to seek within a woman. You’ve got it all and more. It’s an honor it could be mine forever, and it will be. I’m calling dibs. <3
So sweetheart, don’t worry about the future too much. I’ll make it worthwhile. I promise you that. Keep fighting, keep being your passionate self and I’m sure you will achieve a lot more than you ever imagined. I believe in you at least, I’ll support you and I’ll always be that voice in the back of your head screaming that you can do it.
Never stop believing dearest, never stop being a dreamer.
I love you,