Travelling could’ve been better, but it’s been shit the past two weeks so yeah let’s just keep it short like that. And it’s okay, like I said when I invited you I didn’t expect you to be there to begin with because it’s a schoolday and you have better things to do <3
I refuse to believe that these ‘weekends’ were poisonous to us. There’s no such thing, we’ve had long ass times of seeing each other one after the other numerous of times where nothing went wrong. What was poisonous was the negativity surrounding both me, and you. What was poisonous was our behavior rather than the weekends. Mainly my own negativity was something to be missed over the course of the weeks. But I’ve already apologized for that a lot of times. This break, or however you want to call it. We’ll see if it’ll be good to us, because honestly I feel like lately we’ve been unpredictable as fuck. My behavior and the Saturday evening of this week being perfect examples of that. There’s no logic behind it, well not really. This week I had a fucked up shitty week and all I can think of now is how I’m going to fix certain things and let other things go. Honestly I tried my hardest coming here happy this weekend, but than that happened during dinner and honestly it shattered me to pieces. It was the last thing that could go wrong, genuinely the last thing. And it did go wrong.. The moment itself your parents weren’t mean, they were kind, didn’t blame me at all. But still I know what they meant, I think they weren’t even mad at me, all they could say was how your sister was in the wrong, and how your sister is claiming me etc. I feel bad for her and feel like I had caused that bullshit to begin with. As I do feel sorry for you. To a certain degree, at least.
You had no right, not a single moment even once to be mad at your mother. She didn’t ruin shit, didn’t do shit. You. You acted wrong, you made the wrong decisions and you felt the consequences from that. You were silent at the table, before the table, while it happened and even when I came to confront you about it. You were silent and rather went to complain to your mother than you wanted to be honest with me.You didn’t come to me and I bet I even had to drag it out of you in order to know what the fuck was actually going on there. I was furious, thinking back at it I still am mad about the entire situation. Especially for the words you told me, especially for your reasoning behind it. I’m not going to point a finger again, I could’ve handled it better perhaps but I can’t and won’t put up with it, I couldn’t comprehend it then and probably won’t now. Because yes, that moment right there dear you didn’t just hurt me. In all honesty you devastated me that night. I can’t really say if you succeeded in that quest, you did actually.. Until that moment, you did… This morning, the rest of the day.. you did. But what happened yesterday, it hit me. It hit me hard. I think the only reason I slept well, was because I was tired of exhausting my emotions and crying so much. As were you.
I’m happy about how things are now, like I said I’ve gotten over it. But I will stick to my words, if nothing changes this relationship will turn into dust eventually. I am not so sure about that future anymore, everything right now is faded. Like a fog is hanging in the sky. I don’t have as much faith as I had back then.. I’m not so sure anymore. Not because I doubt my feelings, not because I doubt yours. But because what happened, like I said to you then. “What if I leave the house, having to constantly worry you don’t cry yourself to sleep tonight because you can’t stand me going out without you there.” What if you rob me from that freedom? It may sound harsh but that’s how I feel like where it’s going to. You can’t even get over the fact I was having a general and nice conversation with your OWN sister while you were cooking with your father (which I already explained before, is you and your father’s thing I don’t want to be in between), afraid to lose me to your own bloody sister.. That pushes quite an extreme, doesn’t it? Because I notice it a lot, during airsofting even and there’s always been a moment whenever I’m there where I feel like it’s happening.
The reason I said I didn’t want to come there anymore was because it puts too much stress on my mind. The next day after it happened I didn’t know what to do with your sister, it felt weird and it didn’t feel nice and easy as it used to. I didn’t know what your parents thought and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to keep everyone satisfied in there. I try so hard to be home there but if I can’t even have a conversation with your sister while you’re cooking with your dad. Please tell me, than what am I doing there? If you put me in a prison like that, I don’t want to be there.. While you yourself often leave me alone, you yourself wake up earlier in the morning and leave me alone often ‘til much later when I wake up. Which to me, is okay. Because it should be okay, I miss you when I wake but that’s it, you’ll be there.
There’s no need to chin me up, honestly. I don’t need that kind of stereotypical ways of telling people to get the fuck over it. Because this is something, I hate to say it, that left a scar. It really did.. We’ve dealt with our psychological issues quite well the past 2 years, tell me what is it different now? What is it that brought it up to this point? What is it that left such a huge mark on me? The truth is, I’m always tired, I always feel like sleeping and I’m pretty sad most of times. I have issues, which all I can think of for now is a depression which I have absolutely no control over. It comes, and goes whenever it feels like it. Today, I was tired, but I slept okay. So it doesn’t hold me down as much, you don’t notice it because you know it can be (and usually is) much worse. I didn’t want this to be a tumblr about this subject anymore, but I guess you left me no choice.
You have to understand though, despite the uncertainty about our future, I do not love you less. Trust me I don’t, I don’t hate you, I don’t despise you. And even though my writing might feel harsh you have to remember what I was like today. That was genuine. That was me, showing you that no matter what the case you are still the most important person in my life and I still love you more than anything else in this world. I put more value on your life than I put on my own. I genuinely do. For now I don’t want to look at the future, I want to focus on the present and slowly let me recuperate so that scar fades. I’d rather attempt to fix something that appears (because it isn’t) to be broken than throw it away, right? Especially to someone that I love.. so fucking much it’s tearing me apart.. Honestly falling asleep with you that night I felt so small, so weak, having revealed that much I felt naked. Nothing left in me for that moment. I just wanted to be near you, be close to you, kiss you and love you like I always have. But without words that time. Because like I said then too, I refuse to lose you, and even if it was the case I would lose you I still wouldn’t want to let go. You’re my everything, you truly are baby.. My goal has always been to make you happy, to help you have a wonderful life throughout the years. But if you’re so keen on tearing yourself to pieces eventually I’m gonna be tired of dragging a dead horse..
I was happy today, because for a moment I could forget about yesterday, I could live for today because you were happy. And it helped me being happy. It helped me showing you my true intentions, it helped me being myself.. So no matter what you said, never give me the words you’re useless or doing nothing. Because you bring out the best in me, you bring out the positive bits in my mind that are occasionally very hard to find for me. I’m terribly sorry I’m such a wreck to deal with, I’m even more fucking sorry for making my issues yours.. Because that’s one thing I never intended to begin with..
Always remember, sweetheart. That despite days like that, for any reason at all I won’t give up fighting. No matter how hard you’ll make it or how hard I’ll make it for myself.. I’m a fighter, a desperate one at times but I’m not a quitter. And believe me when I tell you I’m not going to give up on this relationship until it’s completely dead. And even then I’d spend hours and hours of reanimation in order to get it up and running again. And right now, it is far from dead. It might be dent a bit, but it’s far from even being broken. I still want all the things I’ve wanted before. A little kid, your beautiful body in a beautiful white dress. Your eyes shining from happiness and a smile that no one has ever seen so genuine. It’s just going to take time for me to fully believe in them again, to stop doubting something so beautiful. I’m sorry I’m so weak, but it really hit me hard.. As long as you remember, okay? That I love you to bits, and even despite anything that happened you are still my number one lady. You are still the woman of my dreams. Perhaps with a bit of a complication but I feel like it’s worth going through for you. As you would believe it’s worth going through for me..
As long as we never doubt one thing, and one thing alone.
That we love each other, more than anything else.
That we still recognize the beauty in our hearts.
That we still are able to see our eyes smile as we kiss.
And we are, I’ve seen it today. And before we fell asleep.
Like you said, we’ll get through as we always have.
Good night, my beautiful, precious sweetheart.