With that I never meant that I’m incredibly bad for you or to you for that matter. With that I don’t mean I’m fucked up inside or outside. It’s just that it feels that way, I am fighting so many conflicts within myself at the same time. Each individual battle I can manage but sometimes they collide and that’s when things go horribly wrong. That’s when I truly notice the depression. It is really difficult to be someone that you’re proud of when you’re almost always engulfed in negative energy. It’s difficult to not see myself as a lesser being, or to not hate the world around me when there are way too many people suffering. It is difficult to be motivated, to put effort into things. The gif I believe still explains best what goes through me at times like that. I’m always tired.. I barely have energy to do most of the things I have to do, or want to do. I feel like an underachiever, someone with wasted potential. Someone who could do so much better. Someone who could look so much better. So many things contribute to the self loathing, which normally I can suppress as I know it’s not realistic. But at those times, everything just sucks, I hate everything and everyone and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and sleep.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see an exhausted young man. I feel like I look like I’m 30 instead of an only 19 year old (fit) guy. I feel weak, and powerless. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore, I don’t want to either. I just collapse and everything around me fades. I want to give up, I want to quit. I just want to be left alone. That’s why I can’t handle working out anymore, the effort was too great.. Then looking at the results, it destroyed me. ‘Causing scars of insecurity and damaging my body image.
Even though, the truth is not different from when I speak when I’m not depressed. I do have to admit that when it hits, that truth is stated in a much more harsh matter. I don’t give a shit, at those times. I can’t be assed to consider other peoples feelings. I don’t care about the consequences. Which is, to be honest, a bad thing. I am entitled to my own opinion, yes. But it can be put in a way that it doesn’t completely ruin your mood, or someone else’s for that matter. What I’m trying to say is, what I said about the signing thing. I stand behind every word I said on these posts and to you. I stand behind the fact that with the ability I’d destroy the entire world. I stand behind the fact that psychedelic drugs are my kind of thing. I mean every word, but I guess the way it came across was quite harsh to you as well. I am not really considering to use and abuse hard drugs. Although if I can’t hallucinate from any soft drugs than I’ll have to have tried it at least once. And that will be it for me. So hereby, I am sorry for the way I said these things. You didn’t deserve that, but I still believe the words to be true.
That being said, I guess I should enlighten you to the brighter side of it all. Even when I’m ‘depressed’. Like you stated about yesterday night. Indeed, I had problems going away. It wasn’t really that I COULDN’T leave. But something inside of me just wanted to listen to you breathe softly as you sleep. Something inside of me wanted to stay up all night talking to you. Something inside of me just wanted to see you smile one more time. The other side of me wanted to kiss you, hold you, stroke your hair, love you like no one ever does and cherish you as if you’re a physical part of me.
As fucked up as I feel I am. There is a light, a sanity buried inside of me. There is a heart, still. A soul, with perhaps only a small candlelight fire sometimes. But it’s still there. And for some reason looking at you reflects me back at that soul, that heart. The better parts of me, the things that in the case of love.. Truly matter. Like you stated, the guy who surprises you with a bottle of wine and lots of hugs and kisses. Spending the night, having awesome breakfast together. The happy things, perhaps the little things. The guy who doesn’t get fed up over having to spend his entire day sitting still, watching people dance and you for a couple of minutes. But those couple of minutes make it really worthwhile. Things like that..
And then there’s a woman in my life, who’d go through hell and back to cure me of this. Who stands powerless as much as I do. Who does her utmost best in every possible way to help, to contribute to feeling better. Because honey, I truly do notice.. It’s just really difficult to deal with and as insanity breaks my composure there is not much left of me. But you take my hand from the dark, use your amazing golden heart as a flashlight to guide me back to my path. And I walk again, slowly but steadily. Until I get lost again. And there she is, again. I never regretted dating you, loving you. Being loved by you. The only thing I regret is that I had to find you at such a terrible moment of my life. I understand life isn’t all about happiness and laughter. But why do it always have to be the extreme cases?
I sometimes wish so much better for you, and not necessarily from someone else. But from me, I may put a lot of strain on myself but that is literally the only thing that keeps me alive. If I was weak hearted I’d already be stuck in these moods. But not just for a couple of days, it’d consume me and I’d be forever that walking corpse. I just expect things of myself, things I KNOW I can achieve. I guess one of the most important factors of that has become being a good companion to you. A good lover, a friend. Anything you might ask of me. Simply because I feel like you deserve it, you’ve earned it. And no, you don’t have to earn it nor deserve it. But I still want to give it to you because to me, you mean the world.. You truly do. My future revolves around you, the planning I make is almost all headed towards you.. You simply mean that much to me.
Eventually, I come out of this. But it doesn’t make me less tired, doesn’t give me less headaches. It doesn’t give me less heartache and issues within myself. It doesn’t make me more motivated, or stronger. It doesn’t help me during work outs. It doesn’t help me make progress in anything. It doesn’t fix things. But at least it helps me find myself again so I can at least work on it, instead of acting like I’ve already given up.
I’m just very grateful of you. I am really happy with such a beautiful, amazing girlfriend by my side. You help me find myself again, you help me see things clearly again when I need it most. And I could never thank you enough for that. I hope you understand that, that you realize that. You are the best thing that had ever happened to me, and if it weren’t for you. I’d already be a lost cause, or perhaps even dead.. Let that sink in for a moment.. You do a lot more than you think you do.
Never forget that darling, please.
I love you more than life itself..