Yeah.. Thinking about it. It’s really strange. We wrote I don’t know how many tumblrs about each other. You many more than I, but than again you use it for multiple reasons than just for me (sometimes for yourself.) And I stopped doing that last bit, occasionally very regrettable. I think of beautiful things to write on the occasion. I had an entire preach about peace in my head, one which still is hidden in a draft somewhere.. But lately I’ve changed a lot considering writing. I felt so engulfed in negativity most of the times that I refused to write it down. Mainly because I wouldn’t feel any better, nor you. I’ve become more direct about the things that bother me. The main reason for that is that in a couple of years from now, I want to read back at this. Thoroughly read it someday with you perhaps. And I want it to be filled with positive writing instead. I want to smile thinking back of the days I had written these things down. It is not that I want to cloak the truth, not even close. It is not like I will forget. But I’d like this, at least, to become happiness. Happiness and memories of you. And not a diary in which I can read back my problems. I’m curious to find out what this ‘pill’ is going to do for me. The first week tested pretty positively honestly and I hope that continues. I think the main cause for my depression might be that I sleep so horrible. It would make sense.. It might not be stuck in my brain forever.. It may not be completely realistic. But it ignited a tiny little piece of hope that this might be what I needed.. That it can go up from here.. I’ve suffered long enough, don’t you think?
The thing is, this world is filled with temptation. It is filled with curiosity and deceit. It is filled with all kinds of things that drag you away from certain goals and distract you from your true purpose. And even I experience those difficulties sometimes. Mere thoughts I have to say. But it’s there, it’s present in every human being’s life. But the thing is, I am no fool. I grew up in such a way that I grew pretty resistant against these things. If you’ve seen enough suffering, especially at a young age. You learn and adapt very swiftly. Lessons you don’t forget soon. It made me grow up way too fast, which is why my first ‘real’ relationship (which I count with you). Is the one I can and want to stick to. Not only because of these “lessons” but because what you’re worth to me. You broke many of my boundaries along with many of my realistic expectations about the definition and feeling of love. You’ve broken a REALLY tough shell to find that angel inside of me. Because I appear like genuine, nice, honest kinda guy. Which I am. But there’s always a burning anger inside of me. Mad at the world. And it may not come out often, but an angels wrath is a force to be reckoned with. My patience is really strong, so is my discipline.. Which is what normalizes that anger..
But the strongest bit about my personality is my incredible ability to love. I’ve learned to know myself very well and quickly. You might have too, as you’ve had a period in your life where you weren’t accepted among your age group either. It also teaches you things, Living around pain also shows you the value of the exact opposite. It shows you to have gratitude and respect. It teaches you values you long to have…
After these 2 and half years I’ve learned what kind of person you are. At first going into this relationship. I knew you for your lovely looks and your personality on the surface. But slowly and steadily I started discovering the amazing person you held inside. Perhaps bumping into some walls along the way but I never gave up going towards that core of your being. My curious nature eventually found what I now hold above all else.That lovely merp I call my girlfriend.
You showed me how amazing people can be, just as I lived in a period of my life where I was REALLY angry with the world and people around me. I lost hope in humanity (genuinely) and despised the world I lived in. I was so angry at everything and excluded myself from too many things.. You taught me (along with your family, admittedly) that people are amazing. In their own unique way. They deserve to be judged by their best abilities, and not punished for their worst. It made me open my eyes digging for the positive side (hidden) in each soul.
You’ve taught me so many things, and I need someone like that. I need not just a girlfriend, a bed-partner. A mother, a wife.. I need someone who can still teach me things. And not even biological things, or math. Or whatever. No. But life, about people. I am so damned curious about life and people.. If I wouldn’t want to be a designer, I’d be a psychologist for sure. I’ve literally helped so many people. I’ve done so much with my talking and our best friend can confirm that.
But alright, I digressed a little bit. I apologise. The reason why I written all that down is because of you. You make me feel so alive, so loved.. You make me so happy. You make me discover so many (new) things about me and I learn from you almost every encounter we have. And despite the temptations and deceit coming my way I am not distracted from what’s important. I know you.. I truly know you. Which is why I genuinely love you, completely. You are all I want and even though curiosity can distract my mind from you. It never fades my sense, it never cloaks my ability to be rational that you’re the woman of my dreams. In looks, in personality.. You’ve been so good to me. More than I’d deserve for the most bit these past few months.. You’re such a special, unique little human being that I just can’t bring the right words to what you mean to me. I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved so far and even more proud of how much time had already passed with us being together. Every day I’m with you feels like a blessing.. And that sounds very cliché. But it does, I may have to go out of my way sometimes. I may have to adapt and change things around a bit. But that’s only normal, we’re not perfectly synchronised. But we work, this us. It works..
I may not have changed an awful lot over time, at least it doesn’t feel like I have. But the older I grow, the more I start thinking about later, and us. I’m not the right person to think of these things a lot. Mainly because I always grow a bit distant when we talk about marriage and kids. Mainly because I am such a lively guy. I want to do so many things with my life before I bind myself to such responsibility. I want to do so many things with you as well. And kids, yes, they’re wonderful. But they’ll be in the way of a lot of things. And I don’t want that. Once I leave the house I want to feel what it’s like to be truly free. Away from all bounds, have responsibilities but not ones where I should go out of my way from..
So don’t take it personally, don’t take it the wrong way but the fact that I want to share that ‘freedom’ with you is a beyond beautiful thing. Try to look at it that way. A lone rider, always been on his own (before I met you). With amazing plans for the future, wants nothing less but being with you to share the journey with. And we’re going to go far, babe.. I can promise you that..
These weekends are examples of that, they display true character of you and me. They display the character of our relationship. Of our love. We’re two separate people but feels like we share the same soul.. I even catch us being able to finish each others sentences sometimes. It’s kinda crazy, really.. In a positive way.. I’ve never been so insanely in love and hope that it’ll always be like this. No one can look at the future. No one can live in the past. But within the present lays control. Meaning that life is how we make it. With a direction we choose to go. My destination always has been, and always will be. You.
I’ve had a lot of fun with you sweetheart, seriously.. It may was short but it was enough. Just relaxing, and walking in the sun. Sounds like a good idea though, the plans we have. If you have a movie we could watch we could something with that as well. Download it, and watch it on my bed with some fruit and maybe some booze. I’m sure we’ll think of something along the week..
Thank you for holding me in my sleep, and for listening to my silly muttering when I’m too tired to actually talk. For killing mosquito’s with me during the middle of the night. And letting me have some time to play diablo. For hugging me, for listening to my silly ‘demands’ and my weird “I’m gonna nom on you” moments. It is noted, remembered and fully appreciated.. The greatest bit is you still make me discover things about myself, you open me up to things I wouldn’t before. You teach me..
The boy you loved almost three years ago, is growing into a man worthy of the word. I said it before, love is a reflection of what you put into it. So I’m not the only one you should thank for this ‘miracle’ you claim to possess. It is your input as well that made me this wonderful. That made this ‘us’ so wonderful. Never forget our equality in this.
Never forget you’ll always be right hand, my soulmate. My lover and deeply respected second half. My soul will always long for you when you’re not around. And most importantly always love you.
See you in a couple of days..